Meowseley

Name: Spencer (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • We think it is fair  to say that there is both good agility and bad agility. On the one hand lurking on the top of a door to drop on a stranger, much like Cato, is good agility. Jumping from a second story window is bad agility.  Potentially amusing, but all the same bad. We’re happy to award points but are concerned that this could just be seen as condoning actions that will end in tears.
2. Health & Vitality – 2/10
   • Listing Spencer’s previous ailments is a bit like an episode of ER, early ER before  all those new people came into it. Our favourite incident is when he was taken to the vet after developing “kitten asthma”. Now there isn’t anything funny about a kitten with asthma, but apparently it made him whistle, a bit like Roger Whittaker, but possibly smaller and cuter. Unfortunately as a result of this he has an inhaler and doesn’t have to play football. We’ve already mentioned that he jumps out of windows, you can imagine how that worked out (nor very well). He has an eating disorder and as a result has  had to have a catheter. We imagine it was the bravest vet in the world that made that diagnosis. We have awarded a few points because  he has his teeth surgically cleaned, though we’re not clear what that really means. It’s probably quite expensive.
3. Home invasion – 4/10
   • It’s not fair on Spencer, but as he’s not allowed out he’s not going to do very well on home invasion. We’ve given him some extra points because we know he’s tried to make a break for it. Jumping out of windows isn’t working but we reckon he should try a tunnel next. Nobody ever expects a tunnel. We do know that once he did manage to get into a neighbours house and stole 2 dinners and a loaf of bread.  We assume that this is an ironic feline take on Beck’s, Where It’s At.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • We like to think cats meow because they’re trying to tell us something. We’re not wrong they’re trying to tell us that they’re hungry. This is what it always mean. We know that sometimes  you might think they’re telling you about their day or sparrow they saw earlier. It’s not true, they want dinner. Spencer has taken this to its most simplistic, and beautiful form. He knows to meow on the dot of 6:00am until 7:30am because he thinks this is when he should be fed. Obviously this is mind numbingly early but fair play to him, he’s a cat.
5. Fighting Ability – 3/10
   • This is a category that  is difficult to assess. We know he kills wasps (good)  but we also know he isn’t allowed out. We understand that he can be a nasty little sod if you try and take his food off him. We’re not quite clear why you would want to take his  food off him. Cat food isn’t that nice before they get a chance to spit on it. Afterwards it only gets worse. You might as well let them keep it, it’s not like you’re going to eat it yourself.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • We like him. He’s got a nice  face and a cheeky little bell which means he can’t sneak up on……. the things inside the house. Nice big eyes as  well.
7. Friendliness – 6/10
   • We’re told  Spencer is friendly but worry this might be more symptomatic of his deep seated interest in our pot noodle rather than a wish to reach out across species. He’s a follower which can be good, initially. Though he is inclined  to sit and watch you in the bath. That’s a bit creepy.
8. Dignity – 3/10
   • We’ve more than laboured the point that Spencer isn’t allowed out. This isn’t strictly true. He is allowed out but only on a lead. In many ways it is probably best that he doesn’t go out now. If he does he is likely  to get his little head kicked in by any or the other cats that have seen him. In terms of dignity you might as well get to him to wear a hat, with a picture of a flower on it.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • Spencer can open doors. Doors with handles on. That’s pretty clever, they were invented for people with thumbs. It’s difficult to ignore the jumping out of windows thing. Not clever.
10. Remaining lives – 8/10
    • He was abandoned, he was left  for dead, he’s got asthma, he’s got an eating disorder, he’s had a  catheter (more than once) and obviously done substantial base jumping damage. This cat shouldn’t be alive. He’s cheated  the very essence of life.

Summary: 54%

Spencer is certainly one of the more intriguing cats we’ve come across. If he wasn’t a bit mental then he’d probably have got a much better score. Whether we should be punishing him for what are purely environmental factors is a philosophical debate we probably won’t bother to have.  We’ve been interested to meet him and hear his, frankly, bewildering story.

Name: Jess (Identity not confirmed)

This is more like it. Proper out in the field cat investigating. It’s easy enough to sit in your lounge and tell us how much you like your cat but it takes a special breed of person to go out and find us new cats in their natural habitat.

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Jess can walk the rim of a skip. We know this sounds like some sort of tawdry practice but it isn’t. She can, literally, walk round the edge of a skip without falling in. Even after a very busy year of recording cats their sheer ability mildly impresses.
2. Health & Vitality – 6/10
   • We understand that Jess is very much an outside cat. We’re not completely sure she is even owned by a person. Usually this would mean a cat would at least look a little sickly. We’re happy to report her coat is shiny and she has happy eyes.
3. Home invasion – 8/10
   • Fantastic. Jess once went to a party. She didn’t know anyone there but happily rolled up, had a bit of stroke off random strangers and then tried to move in. Exactly the sort of behaviour that gets you shunned in human society gets you points on here. That’s mainly because we’re not cats.
4. Meow – 4/10
   • Although we acknowledge that Jess will stop and “talk” to passing people we have insufficient evidence to make a judgement on the quality of her conversation. We will have to be cautious until we have better information.
5. Fighting Ability – 5/10
   • Again nobody has seen Jess fight nor has she been seen to decapitate a mouse. We do know she lives in quite a rough neighbourhood in cat terms. She’s never displayed visible injuries so we will work on the assumption that she can hold her own.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • She’s cute. In a knowing way. We know that some cats can come across quite conceited but we think she just about gets away with it.
7. Friendliness – 9/10
   • Jess is true friend to people who pass her by. It is said that if you say hello to her then she will even acknowledge you. This is rare behaviour and certainly worth some extra points.
8. Dignity – 4/10
   • Now we can understand why cats get attracted to rubbish. It probably tastes really nice but it is simply incompatible with maintaining dignity. You can have points for demonstrating the dexterity to get to rubbish but are penalised for thinking it was a good idea in the first place.
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • She can eat cat food straight from the tin. This raises a number of questions; how did she open it? Is it stupid because she might get her head stuck? Being known as the cat with a tin on your head would be both impractical and embarrassing. You have to think of the bigger picture.
10. Remaining lives – 5/10
    • We just don’t know her history. We don’t know where she’s been nor what she’s seen. For all we know she could have spent her life on a massive cushion. Equally she could suffered the depravities of a life on the streets. That’s the crime of it, we just don’t know.

Summary: 59%

It’s always tricky with a spotted cat (a cat that has been spotted rather than one that is spotty). They always leave us with more questions than answers. We think Jess did quite well considering what we don’t know. We’re more than happy to come back to Jess as we learn more about her.

Name: Dibble (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 3/10
   • Dibble isn’t allowed out on his own. We doubt he’s allowed out if accompanied by an adult either. You would assume that this isn’t agility related but it is. He isn’t allowed out because if he does manage to get over the fence he gets stuck. Getting over fences is the very bread and butter of being a cat.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • As he’s not allowed out he is an extremely healthy cat, or so we assume. He does live on a diet of chicken, we are extremely jealous of his dinner.
3. Home invasion – 0/10
   • Dibble has moved house three times. Although this means he has got to see the inside of a fair few houses he has not achieved this through pleading or guile. We hope that one day Dibble might be able to throw off his incarceration and run free. We might go round and create a diversion; if we started a fight on the doorstep he could leg it whilst the screws are looking the other way.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • Apparently he has a beautiful singing voice. We like this. More cats should sing. Though only between 10 in the morning and 7 in the evening. Anything outside those core hours would just be irritating.
5. Fighting Ability – 2/10
   • Interestingly Dibble has adopted two kittens. An unusual development for a single male cat. We imagine this is symbolic of the decline of moral standards and broken Britain. You probably think this has nothing to do with Dibble’s killer instinct. You’d be wrong, it has everything to do with it.  Apparently these two kittens bully him for his dinner. Pathetic. Nothing should be bullied by a kitten. Well maybe a moth or a wood louse but nothing else.
6. Overall cuteness – 9/10
   • We think Dibble is one of cutest cats we’ve come across. We particularly liked the way he seemed to be watching us as we wrote the first paragraph.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • This is a little difficult to gauge as he has little contact with the outside world. We’ve given him 5 because there is something in his eyes that tells us he’s quite friendly.
8. Dignity – 7/10
   • Saying Dibble has no dignity would be like saying Nelson Mandela had no dignity. We understand that Dibble played a relatively minor role in the overthrow of apartheid but it seems he has come to a similar end. That would be similar in that he has also been locked up rather than they have both been president of South Africa.
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • Dibble’s best friend is a stuffed purple mouse. This is wrong on so may levels. Mice aren’t purple. Mice are no friends of cats. It’s like Tom and Jerry taught us nothing.
10. Remaining lives – 9/10
    • Given his pampered lifestyle we doubt Dibble has any concept of the meaning of the word fear. Unless you count the fear of being bullied by a kitten.

Summary: 53%

We can’t lie. This is a well below average score. We don’t attribute blame to Dibble. He just needs to be toughened up a bit so he take his rightful place in the world of cats.

We feel quite guilty about this. We don’t know where he is or anything like that, oh no.

Someone did mention to us a while ago that Doctor had gone missing but we completely forgot about it.

As you can see from the poster Doctor is quite young so natural curiosity might have encouraged him to go and live with someone else for a bit. If you know where he is please let his owners know. They do want him back.

Edgbaston Road East seems to be where we need to be concentrate our efforts. Maybe you could combine a bit of a look about with a trip to Lidl or the Diwan.

If you see him then please let us know at the usual address, emergency@meowseley.co.uk or even leave a comment here.

Good news.

Gerrard has come home. Yay.

It turns out he got stuck in a neighbours house. That’s proper cat burglary.

He came home this afternoon and ate THREE pouches of cat food.

Thanks to everyone that helped to spread the word on the Twitter.

It’s nice to have a happy ending.