Meowseley

Name(s):  Frankie & Scottty (Identity confirmed)

Both Frankie and Scotty were submitted as a pair. This has caused us some problems, mainly becuase we’re not sure our scoring system can cope with it.

We had a discussion with some of the worlds greatest cat experts and decided that if it’s good enough for wrestling then it’s good enough for us. So, may we present Frankie and Scotty?

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Both cats can easily jump over 6 feet. A few months ago we would have been impressed by this but it is quickly becoming apparent that if you’re a cat and you can’t jump over 6 feet then there is something wrong with you. What they can do is leap over plants like tiny show jumpers. This is a fantastic image and we can only assume that their owner straps Action Men to their backs as a matter of course.
2. Health & Vitality – 8/10
   • These cats live on a diet of fresh fish and chicken. Even we don’t live on a diet of fresh fish and chicken. Though we also don’t have a head shaped like a protractor,but it isn’t a competition (it is really). A good diet means a shiny coat and at the very least the appearance of health and vitality.
3. Home invasion – 6/10
   • Frankie and Scotty are known to visit their neighbour upstairs and they do jump over fences. Not the most thrilling story of adventure but solid evidence.
4. Meow – 10/10
   • They scream like banshees. It’s pretty well as good as it gets. We are extremely greatful that they don’t live anywhere near us.
5. Fighting Ability – 3/10
   • As far as we know they are “brilliant at catching flies”.  If, like Ralph Maccio, in the Karate Kid, they could catch them with chopsticks we’d be impressed. Their lack of thumbs makes this very unlikely. In the grand scheme of things flies are very low down. We’re not particularly impressed.
6. Overall cuteness – 4/10
   • Both of them were always going to be slightly doomed on this one. Though to be fair to both of them when we first saw their picture they got an instant 1. They’ve slightly grown on us. Unfortunately the whole alien look went out around 1995 when the X Files became crap. 
7. Friendliness – 4/10
   • Neither of them seem to be too keen on strangers. They wouldn’t let a stranger pick them up. Neither would we, that would be weird. Like other recent contenders they get very attached to their owner. Of course this is because they’ve bonded on a personal level rather than the fresh fish and chicken.
8. Dignity – 9/10
   • It is unlikely you will ever see cats that similarly ooze dignity. When we first saw them we were tempted to doff our collective caps. 
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • There is little to indicate that either of them are particularly clever cats. They play with rubber bands. 
10. Remaining lives – 5/10
    • Frankie got hit by a car and once broke her leg. Normally this would be grounds for a massive score but this is where the penalty comes in. If you submit two cats you’ve really got two chances at longevity. It’s a numbers game. 

Summary: 60%

Considering that there are two of them you’d have expected a high 60’s score. Well, maybe we’ve been a bit harsh, but they are a bit funny looking.

It came as a shock to all of us but Errol isn’t quite who he has been pretending to be.

It has been brought to our attention that Errol is actually called Frank.

We don’t think this will really affect his score very much as Frank is a good solid name. We do think Frank’s owners might want to reconsider his name. Errol seems to reflect his personality somewhat better. Obviously that is their call.

Name: Name: Jeff (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • Jeff is a bit of a feisty lady. We know what you’re thinking, lady? Yes, apparently she is named after Jeff Bridges, we cannot conceive of any reason why you would want to name a cat after Jeff Bridges. But we digress, apparently if locked up Jeff likes to leg it up the curtains and generally trash the place. You’d need a fair bit of a agility to climb up curtains.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • She looks fairly healthy. She’s got a shiny coat and nice eyes. The main thing that stands out is her absolutely massive head. If they made hats for cats then you wouldn’t be able to get one for Jeff because her head is too large. We think a big head is a sign of being healthy. Though we’re not sure why.
3. Home invasion – 5/10
   • Jeff likes to get out and about and has been described as “a bit feral”. We know she doesn’t like being kept in her own house but does that mean she goes to see other people? Based on little or no information we think she doesn’t. We think she spends most of her time outside sitting under a bush eating grass.
4. Meow – 3/10
   • There is an element of guessing in this score but we don’t think Jeff has a very good meow. We’re willing to be corrected on this.
5. Fighting Ability – 7/10
   • Jeff is like an untamed beast that has been very much tamed. She has a touch of the wild but is stil at home in polite company. We do not have a comprehensive list of the small animals she eats.
6. Overall cuteness – 8/10
   • Leaving her massive noggin aside she’s a nice cute cat.
7. Friendliness – 3/10
   • Jeff will only be stroked on her terms. It’s not friendly but at least she lets people touch her every now and then. She’s not the sort of cat that’s going to wave her legs in the air begging for attention. She does like to follow her human friends round like a lamb. We don’t really know whether this is a good thing or not as we’re not completely sure if lambs would follow you round in a friendly way.
8. Dignity – 6/10
   • She’s not the sort of cat that’s going to wave her legs in the air begging for attention.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • Jeff learnt quite quickly that she gets her own way through wanton destruction. This is good. She can clearly hatch a plan.
10. Remaining lives – 7/10
    • Jeff’s start in life was a true tale of woe. She was found abandoned with her siblings next to her dead mother. This is usually the way that serial killers start and it is a testament to her balanced nature that she’s turned out alright. Well she made it through the first bit so let’s hope she sticks around for a bit longer.

Summary: 60%

Sorry but we’ve to say it again, look at the size of her head. That’s not right is it? Anyway 60%, a good score.

Name: Name: Brown (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Brown can climb on top of clothes horse. This is good, both agile and a little bit cheeky. We can imagine a cute picture of Brown on top of some washing looking quite cute, maybe with a poorly spelled caption highlighting the incongruous nature of a cat on a clotheshorse. It could work, maybe like a meme or something.
2. Health & Vitality – 8/10
   • We have to admit that our intelligence is horrifically out of date. We had been led to believe that Brown had only ever thrown up once, ever. If Edward’s throwing up tendency is any barometer of cat health then we think Brown must be some sort of super cat with a constitution made of steel.
3. Home invasion – -/10
   • We just don’t feel able to score this one. Brown may have never been involved in breaking and entering back in October when we supposed to have written this but surely that has all been sorted out now, hasn’t it?
4. Meow – 6/10
   • Brown has a meow and uses it to good effect. Somewhat sparingly but you can have too much of good thing.
5. Fighting Ability – 5/10
   • When it comes to fighting Brown tends to keep it in the family. She fights with her uncle, Grey (there is a convoluted family tree here that we have to admit we don’t really understand). Grey is also a kitten so there is an inevitable points reduction. We’re sorry but there are not many points in beating up a kitten. We could do it and we’d probably only need one hand.
6. Overall cuteness – 6/10
   • You all know where we stand on the whole kittens being cute thing, well interestingly we don’t think Brown is that cute. She’s alright but there’s something wrong with her eyes, it looks like malice.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • Everyone knows that Brown isn’t as friendly as Grey. So she’s got less points, oh and we think she’s a bit malicious.
8. Dignity – 4/10
   • We haven’t got a lot to go on here but it is extremely unlikely that Brown is dignified. Not if you give due consideration to the previously stated washing related antics.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • Brown is probably intelligent. Certainly the look of disdain in her eyes indicates some sort of thought process.
10. Remaining lives – 3/10
    • Brown is only just beginning her journey through life. Unfortunately as recent events have so tragically shown us this is not a reliable metric of a long life. We’ve added an extra point because we’re sentimental old sods.

Summary: 50%

Now 50% looks like a rubbish score but hang on a minute. You remember we left out a score didn’t we? Oh yes, there are another ten points up for grabs which could launch Brown into the catosphere. We freely acknowledge that if Brown is expecting to get 10 points in home invasion she’d have to hold a family at gun point. We don’t expect this to happen because any family held hostage by a kitten would be a pretty crap family.

Name: Name: Grey (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 4/10
   • Grey’s athletic endeavours appear to extend to “a little light climbing” but only before lunch. This is not satisfactory. Kittens should have boundless energy and should spend their days getting into all manner of scrapes. Kitten scrapes should always include, though not exclusively, an element of climbing.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • Grey is only young but so far hasn’t demonstrated any adverse reactions to being alive. A healthy little cat gets a healthy little score.
3. Home invasion – 1/10
   • Grey has never left the house yet. Pathetic. You can’t invade somebody elses house if you can’t even get out of your own. We’re seriously thinking of taking this point back as it really isn’t good enough.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • Grey’s meow has been described as a “poor squeaky kitten meow”. We think this is unfair. It takes a bit of time for a cat to find it’s voice and making such an effort at a young age certainly bodes well for the future. He clearly has something to say and we want to hear it.
5. Fighting Ability – 2/10
   • Kittens are shit at fighting. What may appear to us as playful rolling around is in fact just playful rolling around. Grey is never going to have the respect of his peers (or us) until he’s killed something. Or at the very least maimed it. Harsh but fair.
6. Overall cuteness – 8/10
   • Grey is undeniably cute. We’d go as far as to say Grey is very very cute but as we’ve said before all kittens are cute. That’s their job. So once we’ve adjusted his score to exclude the kitten factor he gets a not unreasonable eight points.
7. Friendliness – 6/10
   • Grey is apparently friendlier than his mate Brown. We don’t have an objective bench mark of how firendly Brown is, so calculating a score has been somewhat tricky. It’s a bit like one of those puzzles where X amount of parrots dig Y amount of holes so what value is Z? We’re not very good at those so we just pulled a figure out of the air.
8. Dignity – 3/10
   • We’ve never met a kitten yet with any sort of dignity. It’s not within their gift. The gravitas of dignity is only gained through much sleeping and hopefully a little bit of fighting.
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • Grey chases his own tail and tries to catch light. This is the sort of thing that moths do (apart from the tail chasing thing). Moths aren’t very clever.
10. Remaining lives – 2/10
    • In many ways it is cause for celebration that Grey hasn’t done too well in this section. We would be a little worried if at this tender age he had dangled with death.

Summary: 44%

As a rule we see scores awarded to kittens as more of a personal development plan than a judgement. We think Grey should prove to be quite a good cat once he gets out and about a bit. Until then there is certainly room for improvement.