Meowseley

Name: Gerrard (Identity confirmed)

We, of course, know Gerrard very well. We remember him running away. We remember him coming home again.

We’re very pleased to have the opportunity to welcome Gerrard into the Meowseley family. Not that we’re related to cats. Nor are many of the cats related to each other. It’s a figurative family.

1. Agility – 4/10
   • Gerrard, apparently suffers from vertigo.  He gets the fear when he climbs on a table. He’s a cat. This is a very poor display indeed. On the other hand he can fight in the style of Dogtanian whilst balanced on a wall as thick as your hand. We don’t know what to believe. We love the idea of a cat pretending to be a cartoon dog in pre-revolutionary France. In fact we love the idea of cats standing on two legs and pretending to be people. Overall the vertigo story sounds entirely more credible so a paltry score is awarded.
2. Health & Vitality – 3/10
   • We respect you too much to make any outlandish claims about Gerrard’s health and vitality. Look at him, he’s clearly been engaging with healthcare services. On the plus side we’re reassured that anything that is wrong with him is purely down to fighting. Over the years he’s had abscesses and a torn retina. We do agree that he seems to have a very shiny coat so we gave him a bit for that.
3. Home invasion – 9/10
   • Gerrard’s previous home invasion antics have been plastered all over the local (cat related) press. Having heard more detail of other occasions where he’s been “visiting” we’re beginning to wonder if he has finally crossed the line between natural curiosity and running away from home. Our most favourite of stories is where he hid in a plumbers van for 100 yards. We assume that in cat society this would be considered equivalent to  joining the circus. We also understand that he often visits another house over the road. Whilst we like to see cats getting about we are very concerned about which road this might be. We know the area and we know the dangers that lie in store for cats that haven’t been adequately trained (that’s all of them).
4. Meow – 6/10
   • Gerrard’s owner believes he has a bog standard meow. There isn’t any such thing as bog standard meow. Every communication should be valued.
5. Fighting Ability – 9/10
   • We were so tempted to go for full marks but we realised, at the last minute, that Gerrard doesn’t seem to have a great record at winning fights. We are intrigued to hear more about Rufus that recently beat him up. In our head Gerrard and Rufus are recreating seminal scenes from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome complete with a Tina Turner backing track. On the other hand Gerrard did systematically destroy a nest of baby mice before finishing off the parents. Classy.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • It’s just stupidly subjective. What does cute even mean?  We’re not having doubts about the concept. Gerrard is cute and gets  a good score for it.
7. Friendliness – 6/10
   • If going round other people’s houses is any sign of friendliness then Gerrard is about the friendliest cat alive, today.
8. Dignity – 2/10
   • Cats dressed as satellite dishes  don’t have any dignity left .
9. Intelligence – 10/10
   • This might be a first. Full marks for intelligence. Deciding whether or not this is a first would require some time consuming trawling through other scores which quite frankly we can’t be bothered to do. Now, it is claimed, that Gerrard can tell the difference between a diesel and petrol engine.  This seems quite fanciful, and we do lack some detail. We’re not sure whether this means he can read the words on the back of a car or has some aural power that is beyond imagination. We’ve never been faced with the proposition that we’d come across a contender who’s deductive powers outstripped our own.
10. Remaining lives – 7/10
    • He likes a scrap. He seems to like losing a scrap. He spent Christmas round someone else’s house.

Summary: 63%

It’s been a story of highs and lows. The giddy heights of abnormal intelligence balanced by a frankly rubbish ability to stand on a table.  On the plus side Gerrard is alive and that puts our petty sniping into some much needed context.

Name: Ollie (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • Ok what have we got? Ollie can jump on to the top of a fridge freezer. According to Currys that seems to be a height of around 1.7 meters. That’s a good height, taller than a man but smaller than a house (for those of you that need a bit of clarity on what a fridge looks like). Interestingly Ollie was once rehoused after climbing up the chimney. He clearly sees himself as some sort of cockney street urchin.
2. Health & Vitality – 3/10
   • Unfortunately Ollie doesn’t have a tail. This is a bit odd in a cat. Unless you’re one of those freaky manx cats. We don’t think Ollie is a manx cat. Anyway we have been reliably told that manx cats are forbidden from crossing into this country because of the way they unsettle children. We are not completely sure why Ollie doesn’t have a tail but we’re going to penalise him for it.
3. Home invasion – 4/10
   • From what we can gather, most of Ollie’s invasions seem to result from him moving in with new owners and then getting thrown out because he doesn’t like children or other cats. We can understand where he’s coming from but it isn’t a good example of breaking and entering.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • We’ve noticed that talking cats are on the up these days. Ollie has developed an ability to talk after having a tooth extracted. We assume that the tooth was in some way blocking his mouth. More importantly we know where he had his tooth extracted and we’re giving him points for simply being alive. We don’t want to get sued so you might want to try and guess where he went to the vets.
5. Fighting Ability – 8/10
   • Ollie is a bully. He likes to bully smaller cats. Fantastic. We like a bully. What these smaller cats need to learn is that they need to stand up to Ollie as it is the one thing he fears. In reality they will probably get a good kicking but……
6. Overall cuteness – 6/10
   • This is a really tricky one. We’ve seen Ollie in a number of different situations and in some he’s very cute yet others he looks like he’ll rip your eyes out. We do note that at 13 he’s getting on a bit, so the fact that he’s sometimes cute is enough for the benefit of the doubt.
7. Friendliness – 6/10
   • Although Ollie has moved house due to his antipathy to children and other cats he does get on well with full sized humans. We don’t give a toss about children so we think a fairly good score is in order.
8. Dignity – 8/10
   • In many ways you would think that a cat wearing a hat would have no dignity whatsoever. We would have held this as one of our first rules of cats, dignity and clothing. In fact it would be our only rule of cats, dignity and clothing. As you can see, Ollie does indeed have an air of dignity wearing a hat. In fact, in a move designed to throw all rules out of the window, Ollie has dignity wearing what appears to be the silver case from a mince pie.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • This is a section of mixed blessings for Ollie. On the one hand he can play a chord on a guitar. That is very impressive. Well it’s impressive if it’s an E7 augmented 9th as that requires fingers and some musical theory knowledge. On the other hand he eats melon. Cats don’t eat melons. What possible situation could a melon become the natural prey of a cat? The idiot.
10. Remaining lives – 8/10
    • Getting to 13 even without your tail is a fair achievement. We also respect the nomadic lifestyle that’s led him to a variety of homes. Oh and being forced to clean chimneys is a true tale of hardship.

Summary: 64%

It would seem that Ollie has only been let down by his lack of a tail. We must be perpetrating some sort of body fascism. It is a good score and one deserved by a distinguished and interesting cat.

We don’t want to worry you but another cat has gone missing.

Gerrard was last seen outside his house in Moseley Gate.

He’s a small and tame black cat. It’s obviously very cold at the moment so it would be great to get him back home. If you live close by or even if you’re just passing, keep your eyes open.

If you do see him then let us know by sending an email to emergency@meowseley.co.uk

Alternatively leave a comment below. We’ll try and get a photo as soon as possible so you don’t confuse him with other entirely innocent cats.

Name: Yoda (Identity confirmed)

Before we get started it might be useful to address some of the issues that have been raised about cat names. Some people have commented on the growing trend to give cats person names rather than what could be considered a conventional feline labelling.

We would like to make it clear that although we think of cats as tiny furry people we do not penalise a contender for having a silly name. We recognise that the name a cat is saddled with is the responsibility of the owner and should not reflect badly on the unfortunate creature that ends up named after a cartoon or a cloud. Though we can’t think of any examples of where this has happened.

This statement of policy should not be seen as any sort of criticism of Yoda’s name. We do think it’s a bit of  silly name, especially as she is a girl (cat).

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Yoda can climb through windows. This is basic cat behaviour and isn’t really going to get her a large score. But hang on a minute these windows she can climb through are bedroom windows. Isn’t it conventional to have your bedroom upstairs? That means she must be doing something fairly agile to make her window climbing decision useful. This score stands whilst further investigations take place as to where exactly this “bedroom” is.
2. Health & Vitality – 6/10
   • She looks healthy. She certainly doesn’t look like she’s 7 years old so she must be doing something right. She did get eaten by a dog once. The term eaten might be a slight embellishment but it’s going to take its toll mentally.
3. Home invasion – 8/10
   • Ahh the old two dinner trick. Yoda visits her neighbours where she will regularly receive an extra dinner. Invading a house is one thing but filling your pockets whilst you’re in there is a gift.
4. Meow – 8/10
   • Not just one meow but a wide variety of context sensitive meows. She can, apparently, communicate her every thought through a highly evolved system of language. We are sceptical about this as previous attempts to communicate with cats have largely been doomed due to their tiny brains. We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being.
5. Fighting Ability – 1/10
   • Simply not good enough. There is no credible evidence of Yoda fighting and an underlying implication that she simply legs it at the first sign of trouble.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • We think she’s cute. Very cute actually. She’s getting on a bit but still has the air of a kitten. Anyway, there’s a picture up there so judge for yourself.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • Some would say she’s a bit of cold fish. That would be an extremely odd description for a cat as ironically they really like eating cold fish. Yoda is not going to be leaping all over strangers but will show a level of affection once she gets to know you. This is probably quite rational behaviour if you’re quite small but we like cats that are just shameless.
8. Dignity – 2/10
   • She licks her arse on the dining room table. We imagine this isn’t during dinner. You wouldn’t really stand for that would you?
9. Intelligence – 7/10
   • Now this category has produced a horrible contradiction. Yoda’s owners think she isn’t very clever yet claim she has her own distinct language. We think being able to talk makes her fairly clever. Certainly cleverer than any of our previous contenders.
10. Remaining lives – 10/10
    • This is the most startling cat revelation we have ever come across. You might want to sit down for this bit. Yoda’s brother was taken away by an eagle. We’ll let you think about that for a bit.

    An eagle……… or possibly another sort of large bird. We think an eagle sounds better so it’s the story we are going with. This is an outstanding brush with death. Though to be fair to Yoda, she wasn’t there at the time and probably doesn’t know anything about it. We are giving a big bucket load of vicarious points for the mental image it created.

Summary: 61%

Yoda appears to be a bit of mixed bag . Some devastatingly good scores (you did see the bit about the eagle didn’t you?) and yet rubbish at fighting. It all contributes to the rich tapestry that is grading cats by arbitrary criteria.

There’s another one gone. Unfortunately we don’t know much about this one. We don’t know its name and we can’t narrow down its last known location, beyond B13.

It looks like quite a nice cat but seems to have been missing since the 29th August.

I think we can all agree that is a very long time.

This seems to be a bit of a trend at the moment, the missing cat thing rather than us not knowing cats’ names. It is important to follow these trends in case there is some sort of cat thief about.

It wouldn’t do if someone was putting them into servitude. Probably a pretty unproductive servitude but one that should be stamped on none the less.

As per normal if you see her or even hear a rumour email us at the usual address (emergency@meowseley.co.uk)

Thanks to @bounder for alerting to us to this most perilous of situations.