This score could have gone either way. On the one hand Costello has demonstrated fantastic agility in leaping on top of TV. On the other hand he did manage to knock it over and break it. We decided that although we don’t generally support cats breaking technology this is probably worthy of some points.
Health & Vitality - 4/10
Costello looks a bit small for his age. Not that we have got a clue how old he is but we think he’s probably a bit weak. We’ve been told that he also has 18 claws which gives him 4.5 on each foot. That can’t be healthy.
Home invasion - 7/10
We don’t know if Costello is much good at getting into other people’s homes but based on his recent behaviour in his own house we advise people to keep him out. We’ve given him a good score because he at least seems to have the invasion bit sorted out. We imagine that if he had a Myspace page he would enthusiastically invite all his little friends round whenever he could.
Meow - 4/10
It is claimed that Costello meows. We’ve no way of knowing the quality of his meow.
Fighting Ability - 6/10
Costello chases spiders. We like that. It’s the sort of functional killing that you need from a cat. Killing birds is all very well but birds don’t really pose a threat to humans. Spiders are an instrument of terror and should be killed. Having a cat that does this would be very very useful.
Overall cuteness - 7/10
We think Costello is very vey cute. He’s a nice change from the plague of black cats with white bits on that seem to be everywhere these days. Being tiny is an endearing quality and adds to his overall cuteness.
Friendliness - 5/10
It is tricky to give an accurate score for Costello’s friendliness. He certainly looks friendly but as we know a smashed a telly we do think this might be an illusion.
Dignity - 2/10
You can clearly see from the picture that Costello has a My Little Pony collection. We don’t think we really need to waste anymore words on this section.
Intelligence - 3/10
The underlying principles of basic contents insurance are not too difficult to grasp. Costello appears to be oblivious to the consequences of his actions and the detrimental affect he has had on his owners no claims bonus.
Remaining lives - 6/10
Clearly he is quite a lucky cat so we’ve rewarded him for still being alive.
Summary: 52%
Costello is a good all rounder demonstrating both cuteness and dexterity. We’d like to see him doing a bit more work on being generally bigger but that’s something to aspire to. His size and unspecified meowing have left him distinctly mid-table but as there doesn’t seem to be anything fundamentally wrong with him we could see a marked improvement in the future.
Apparently Fraggle has gone missing. She is 9 years old and is apparently quite healthy. She was last seen at around 8 am on Saturday and is usually quite shy of strangers.
We’ve also heard that she “trills” to let you know when she is happy.
We’ve never even had the chance to review her yet so finding her is more than a matter of urgency.
She usually hangs around on Alcester Road in Moseley opposite the Post Office. If you can spare a bit of time have a look about and see if you can find her .
We won’t put her owners phone number on here as they might attract all manner of nutters. If you do see her then email emergency@meowseley.co.uk and we will pass your details on.
We will try and provide periodic updates as we hear more.
Off you go.
[EDIT]No news on Fraggle at the moment. In many ways she’s a bit like Schrödinger’s cat.
Brown Cat wanders about like he’s lost something. He seems fairly good at getting up and down fences but nothing really special.
Health & Vitality - 5/10
Is being really really hairy a sign of being healthy? Probably not. He spends a lot of time sitting in the rain and that can’t be good for you if you’re that hairy. Having said that the extra weight he carries around in rain water is probably good for muscle development.
Home invasion - 6/10
All available evidence indicates that Brown Cat doesn’t even have a home of his own so he’s always on the lookout for a new place to have a kip. He is well known as a cat that tries to beg his way into a house with his pitiful meow.
Meow - 7/10
As stated above his meow is a bit pathetic but fair play to him he does have one and he uses it to good affect.
Fighting Ability - 4/10
There is little or no evidence of Brown Cat having any fighting ability whatsoever. He’s scared of Edward which means that in the social order of cats he is pretty well at the bottom. It both saddens and sickens us to see a cat that has sunk to this level.
Overall cuteness - 7/10
Brown Cat is fairly cute. A bit brown but that in itself isn’t a reason to mark him down.
Friendliness - 3/10
There just isn’t much that Brown Cat isn’t scared of. He isn’t very friendly and you’ll usually see him legging it like a crazy man if anyone tries to say hello to him.
Dignity - 4/10
Brown Cat hasn’t got much in the way of dignity. Let’s face it we couldn’t even be arsed to make up a decent name for him so…….
Intelligence - 3/10
Brown Cat isn’t very clever. He has as a bit of a vacant hungry look, much like a fat kid with a packet of Monster Munch.
Remaining lives - 6/10
For a cat to be this nervous something pretty terrible must have happened to him at some point. We don’t know what it was but we can guess. We’ve given him some points for a ridiculously exciting life story that we’ve made up in our heads.
Summary: 49%
We don’t know what it is about Brown Cat but we don’t really like him much. It’s not that he’s ever done anything really wrong he’s just irritating.
You’ve got to watch Errol he has a bit of a habit of sneaking up on you from the most unexpected angles. Quite often you can be happily wandering along, you hear a bit of meow, and there he is, lingering on a fence. He’s also very very fast.
Health & Vitality - 6/10
He’s certainly a big fellah. Probably about the size of one and a half normal cats. His coat seems quite shiny so there’s no reason to assume he is anything other than healthy.
Home invasion - 10/10
Errol is about as good as it gets when it comes to getting into other people’s houses. We’ve caught him trying to get through the cat flap and when that didn’t work he just knocked on the door. How can you refuse a cat that knocks on the door? He has been brought up very well.
Meow - 5/10
Being the strong silent type means that Errol doesn’t need to make a fuss to get noticed. When he needs to let people know he’s sitting on a fence then he does but he isn’t exactly chatty.
Fighting Ability - 9/10
Errol is about the hardest cat we’ve come across so far. He can batter any other cat in his road and totures small animals. He was observed once taking a rat for a walk. Racing it up and down the road until he was bored. It is dubious whether we should reward what is bsically psychotic behaviour but it was very funny.
Overall cuteness - 6/10
Considering Errol is bit of large lumbering thing of a cat we think he’s quite cute. Not kitteny type of cute but a distinguished type of cute.
Friendliness - 4/10
We don’t think Errol is that friendly really. Alright he does greet you in passing but generally we think he does this in a “I could have killed you then” sort of way. Not much of one for tickling, probably. Well we’re not going to try until we get some decent gloves.
Dignity - 7/10
Errol is diginity personified. He’s polite, he’s clean and he’s very well turned out. Even when he breaks into to steal another cat’s food he does it with an air of righteousness.
Intelligence - 6/10
If a cat knows how to knock on your door then he clearly isn’t as dim as brick. We know little else about Errol but 6 isn’t a bad score considering some of the idiot cats we’ve reviewed so far.
Remaining lives - 7/10
We imagine Errol has lost a few lives but equally has probably taken a few as well.
Summary: 65%
Errol is one of our favourite cats because he’s just proper. He’s not a kitten and could probably beat us all in a fight.
Apparently Bollo can fit through the smallest gap. We would hazard a guess that Bollo is not one of those microscopic cats made by the Japanese. In fact we’re not entirely sure the Japanese make microscopic cats, why would they? You’d lose them all the time, or tread on them which would be horrific. Like furry ants. Anyway, such claims are pure hyperbole.
Health & Vitality - 4/10
Bollo likes to purge. She eats birds until they make her throw up. A more enlightened website would probably recognise this as a tricky psychological disorder that should be treated sensitively. We’re not that web site. Pull yourself together Bollo you’re no Princess Diana (though we do think your hair is lovely).
Home invasion - 6/10
Bollo goes out and then Bollo comes home. Nobody knows where she’s been in between. We like to think she is leading a double life in somebody else’s house. It would be great if someone else submitted her as their own cat. We doubt that will happen.
Meow - 7/10
If reports of her meow are true then there should be very few people in Birmingham that haven’t heard her. Even if such reports are exaggerated we’ll give her a decent score for being one of the few cats we’ve come across recently that makes the effort.
Fighting Ability - 9/10
Whilst we recognise that she kills in order to maintain her perilous psychological condition, at the end of the day she is still a hunter of note. Moths, mice, birds and frogs all seem to be on the list. Other than eating other cats we don’t think there is much more she can do. Bollo’s owners keep a bird recognition chart just so they can identify what she’s killed. Very good indeed.
Overall cuteness - 4/10
We don’t think Bollo looks that cute. Too thin. Sorry, we just say it the way we see it.
Friendliness - 8/10
Although she is a bit shy she does like being tickled. Any cat that likes being tickled is a good cat. There is nothing wrong with being shy most people are evil so it’s probably a good attitude to have.
Dignity - 4/10
Bollo frequently needs someone to put her ear back in place after it gets bent back. This is cat equivalent of looking like some sort of bumpkin. We imagine she would be happy chewing a long bit of straw. She is known to have iron filings stuck to her collar. There is little dignity in ferrous metals. Not in the twenty first century there isn’t.
Intelligence - 4/10
We’ve seen little evidence of Bollo’s intelligence. Now we’re always pleased to help in a cat’s personal development so we set this challenge. If Bollo can learn to pick individual birds from her identification chart and kill them to order then we’ll up the score. She’ll be like some sort of cat assassin.
Remaining lives - 5/10
Again a lack of evidence means we won’t commit ourselves one way or the other. Five points should be more than enough to be going on with.
Summary: 57%
We can’t help feeling that we’ve been a bit harsh with Bollo. Though this is a serious business and we can’t just throw points at cats without due consideration. We’ve given some tips for where improvement could be made and we hope that she takes this in the spirit it is meant.
We understand Naboo once fell out of a window (or off a window ledge if you want to be picky). This is not a good quality in a cat. The very minimum we expect from cats is stability, anything less than this deserves the same level of contempt you would give a clumsy child.
Health & Vitality - 8/10
We think Naboo looks very healthy. Lovely shiny eyes and a quizzical tail. A well presented cat is one that you can respect and share a confidence with.
Home invasion - 10/10
Now we know that Naboo doesn’t really like to leave the confines of his house and garden and normally we would take an extremely dim view of this sort of behaviour. What we also know is that when Naboo absolutely needs to “go” he likes to do it in Carl Chinn’s garden. Now who amongst us can honestly say that given the opportunity they wouldn’t do the same? We can only imagine his fake brummie surprise everytime Naboo leaves him a little present. Well done Naboo you’ve given a little bit back for all of us.
Meow - 4/10
Naboo doesn’t have a proper meow. The contention that he can “squeak like an excited teddy bear” has been discounted by the panel on the grounds of sheer nonsense. If you wish to make a case for a cat’s vocal ability then we suggest that comparing it to one of pure fantasy is not the best starting point.
Fighting Ability - 2/10
As previously stated Naboo doesn’t get out much so opportunities for scrapping are going to be somewhat limited. He certainly hasn’t benefited from reports that he tries to beat up his sister. We also understand he is scared to death of Felix that lives nextdoor, we don’t know much (anything) about Felix but we like the sound of him.
Overall cuteness - 9/10
Naboo is as cute as a button. A really hairy button. The sight of him gambolling in the snow melted our stone cold hearts.
Friendliness - 8/10
Naboo’s owner claims that he is too friendly. Too friendly? We don’t understand that concept. Naboo will follow you round all day and all he asks is a little conversation. Now we don’t know but we think Naboo is very polite as well.
Dignity - 4/10
Sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile healthy curiosity with dignity. The thirst for knowledge is laudable but sometimes it results in a less than dignified air. We thoroughly enjoyed Naboo’s snowy antics but we feel he should pay the price in this section.
Intelligence - 7/10
Naboo has a keen interest in plumbing. This is good. It’s an honest trade that will stand him in good stead in the future.
Remaining lives - 5/10
Such a closeted cat has never seen life’s seedier side and is unlikely to know the dangers that lie in wait further a field than Carl Chinn’s garden.
Summary: 61%
Naboo has certainly done well though of course this is largely down to his selfless taunting of Birmingham’s one and only novelty history pixie.
Mrs Miggins can scale a six foot fence only requiring purchase at an approximate height of four feet. That means that in one bound she can jump over an 11 year old. That’s pretty good.
Health & Vitality - 5/10
She’s fat because she eats dog food. That probably means that her sense of smell isn’t working very well either.
Home invasion - 7/10
She gets her dog food from the dog next door. It’s a bit of a karmic experience this isn’t it? What loses you points in one section gets them back somewhere else.
Meow - 5/10
Apparently Mrs Miggins “yowls”. Making words up is no substitute for a cat having a proper meow.
Fighting Ability - 4/10
In a break with tradition Mrs Miggins is going to be severely penalised for trying to kill a bat. We like bats and we don’t think cats should be killing them and that isn’t just because they sound a bit similar. It does raise the fascinating question of what the inside of a cats mouth would sound like to a bat. A question that we will only ever be able to ponder. Hmmm.
Overall cuteness - 9/10
If this was just a mark for being fluffy then she would do well. As we consider the overall context of a given cats cuteness she has done very well.
Friendliness - 8/10
There is no doubting Mrs Miggins friendliness and she isn’t too picky.
Dignity - 3/10
Any cat that can lick bacon fat out of the dishwasher is likely to turn your stomache. If a cat were to do that you certainly wouldn’t think they were dignified.
Intelligence - 6/10
Now we are not going to be pedantic about this but Mrs Miggins has a reputation for finding food in seemingly impossible places. We doubt this means she is that clever. It certainly means that someone has rather low expectations of impossible.
Remaining lives - 5/10
Not really much to go on here. She gets half marks for not being a kitten anymore.
Summary: 60%
A top end score for Mrs Miggins. She would no doubt have scored better if she had not created the obvious ethical dilema. If God doesn’t like the gays getting married then surely the very concept of cats getting married is pure abomination. Something to think about.
Pebbledash is more than capable of getting on top of a shed roof, apparently. That’s quite impressive. Sheds do tend to be quite high. We probably couldn’t do it, having said that we have no idea how high the shed actually is. It might be one of those pretend sheds they sell in Homebase. That would be a bit rubbish.
Health & Vitality - 8/10
Apparently an indication of how healthy Pebbledash is, is the fact that she abuses Valerian. This has put us in a bit of a tricky position. We could nod wisely and give a good score or we could just admit that we haven’t got a bloody clue what Valerian is. 8 points probably indicates which way we’ve gone with this one.
Home invasion - 8/10
This made us chuckle. Pebbledash used to think that nextdoor’s settee was actually hers. Brilliant.
Meow - 6/10
Rather than a proper meow Pebbledash prefers to trill. This is the sort of behaviour we would expect from some sort of budgie but it’s worth a reward.
Fighting Ability - 7/10
Although we are dubious about her ability to take on other cats we do know that she has taken down a magpie. This is good. As we all know the magpie is one of nature’s bastards. Any animal that was intrumental in Tommy Boyd’s TV travesty should be killed on sight.
Overall cuteness - 8/10
Pebbledash is undeniaby cute. We once saw her fall asleep on top of a radiator. Can you imagine how cute that looked?
Friendliness - 8/10
We’ve always found Pebbledash very friendly. She is more than happy to sit on your lap which is pretty friendly really. Apparently she used to run away from everyone she met. She must have mellowed with age.
Dignity - 4/10
We think there is going to be a dispute about this one. We don’t think Pebbledash has much in the way of dignity. She sleeps on radiators, it’s cute but not dignified. We expect a riot of indignation on this point.
Intelligence - 4/10
It’s strange that people can interpret intelligence in different ways. Pebbledash’s owners believe that as she is never fooled by the rattling of the dried food box then she is clever. We dispute this. If she doesn’t know a tasty snack when she hears one then she is on to a loser.
Remaining lives - 7/10
Pebbledash is a lovely old cat. She’s kept her looks and she’s been about.
Summary: 67%
Pebbledash has set a score that other cats should see as a thing of awe and beauty.
This is a bit of new one really (not the cat but the referral methodology). Whisper has been referred by someone who knows him rather than his owner. Based on this we are going to assume that there isn’t the same level of bias that we have come to expect.
Agility - 8/10
Whisper can effortlessly leap 6 feet up in the air to the top of a fence (albeit with the help of a box). You see how cold hard facts with proper measurement results in decent points?
Health & Vitality - 5/10
We’ve been told that Whisper is considered healthy because of some sort of twinkle in his eyes. We have asked the internet and are pretty sure that twinkle is in fact not a medical term. Regardless of twinkle claims we think Whisper has cold dead eyes. Neutral points.
Home invasion - 9/10
We are getting some pretty high scores on home invasion with the last few cats. Whisper is no less of a winner. It is sign of a great cat if it tries to move in with you. We understand that Whisper regards Clarence Road as his own personal playground and have awarded points accordingly.
Meow - 1/10
There is no verifiable record of Whisper meowing. In a somewhat desperate plea the referrer makes some fanciful claim that he just doesn’t want to. We don’t deal in supposition. We deal in evidence.
Fighting Ability - 5/10
Whisper has one verifiable kill to his name. It was a bird which is obviously pretty tricky as they spend most of their time in the air. Unlike mice which are generally closer to the ground. We don’t know what whisper would be like at thumping other cats but we do think he looks a bit tasty.
Overall cuteness - 4/10
We’d be lying to you if we said Whisper was cute. It would be a pointless lie as you’d just look at the picture and expose us in front of everyone. If there were points for looking a bit scary then Whisper would have got them. There aren’t.
Friendliness - 10/10
We’re taking this on trust. Apparently Whisper is very friendly. It might be some sort of compensation thing because he looks a bit mean. We would certainly like some external validation on this one.
Dignity - 6/10
A tricky one this. He looks quite dignified. He certainly seems to be tolerating a bit of a tickle in the picture.
Intelligence - 5/10
Not a brilliant intelligence score and largely just supporting the previous home invasion score. We just don’t know how clever this cat is and we’re not about to throw points at a picture.
Remaining lives - 6/10
Whisper is an out and about sort of cat. Who knows what sights he’s seen and what tales he could tell us? Probably nobody as he apparently doesn’t make a sound. We’ve given him the benfefit of the doubt with this one.
Summary: 57%
We’re quite surprised by Whispers score. It’s certainly evidence that don’t just throw points at the pretty cats.
Geno is apparently a bit of a tiny cat but we don’t think that is likely to undermine his agility. In fact cats tend to start off tiny and get bigger, it’s the nature of growth. Anyway, he likes to live on top of a wardrobe so he must be a bit nippy.
Health & Vitality - 6/10
Look at those inquisitive eyes. That isn’t a cat thinking about a lingering health concern. Geno has been penalised for being a bit small. Restricted growth is not something you can get away with having a pop at in humans anymore but we can with cats. Let’s see what the so called “pc brigade” make of that.
Home invasion - 9/10
By all accounts Geno is pretty damn good at breaking into houses. As a matter of principle we reward the use of another cats cat flap. We were also very entertained by the fact that he seeks out barbeques.
Meow - 6/10
Some would say this score is likely to be a little contentious given the parochial nature of this experiment. We accept that Geno is very chatty and has been rewarded but we are very concerned that he has a Brummie accent. Geno has been marked down for being a bit provincial. We know this isn’t going to be a popular decision but we’re not really that bothered.
Fighting Ability - 6/10
Apparently Geno is bit of a boxer and likes annoying dogs. We can’t imagine a situation where combining those two traits isn’t going to end in trouble but that is for another section.
Overall cuteness - 7/10
We think Geno is very cute. Judge for yourself.
Friendliness - 3/10
Even Geno’s owner admits he is bloody miserable. He hides from visitors and doesn’t like being stroked. What sort of cat is that? Not a very good one in our book.
Dignity - 5/10
Begging for food at barbeques isn’t really very diginified. On the other hand his best friend is a cat called Tux who apparently has a diamond on his neck. We’re not sure if this is a real diamond or some curious marking. If we assume that he is a cat with jewellery then we can equally assume that Geno looks relatively dignified in comparison. How is that for a logical contortion?
Intelligence - 5/10
Geno does the gardening. In a sense this is quite clever as he doesn’t have thumbs. On the other hand he is a carnivore so there is no real worth in growing things. He might be into gardening for the aesthetic value but we doubt it. His favourite programme is Top Gear and that was never going to win him points round here.
Remaining lives - 4/10
We have seen no evidence that Geno has diced with death. Clearly if he is going to hide on top of a wardrobe to avoid human contact then he is demonstrating self preservation skills but not enough to give him a point bump.
Summary: 58%
Blimey Geno, that’s a pretty respectable score. Hopefully he will take on board the points we have raised and they will help him to develop as a cat.
Doesn't it piss you off when you are sitting in a pub telling people about a cracking cat you met that there isn't an objective standard to gauge how good it is against another cat?
People can rate hurricanes but not cats. That's ridiculous, I see loads more cats than hurricanes. I intend to redress this imbalance by making a universal standard of cats.
Name: Costello (Identity confirmed)
Help.
Name: Brown Cat (Identity not confirmed)
Name: Errol (Identity not confirmed)
Name: Bollo (Identity confirmed)
Name: Naboo (Identity confirmed)
Name: Mrs Miggins (Identity confirmed)
Name: Pebbledash (Identity confirmed)
Name: Whisper (Identity confirmed)
Name: Geno (Identity confirmed)