Name: Truffles (Identity confirmed) We need to apologise to Truffles in advance. We have virtually no information to go on at the moment so this review is, at best, limited; but we haven’t reviewed any cats in a while so let’s go wild and judge her based on pure conjecture. Agility – 8/10 Truffles likes to drink from the toilet, leaving aside the obvious hygiene concerns this indicates an element of agility. What we don’t know is if Truffles lives in a house where they leave the seat up or not, this is vital information as it would give us a better sense of the width of the ledge she uses for balance. Having said that we’re in the cat reviewing business not the nosey toilet business so we thought it better not to ask. Health & Vitality – 8/10 Shiny eyes? Tick. Furry coat? Tick. What isn’t healthy about Truffles? Nothing that’s what. She’s a great example of a living breathing cat. Home invasion – 9/10 We don’t really know whether or not she visits other houses. We do know that she’s basically a thief, you might think those are strong words, they are, and we stand by them. If Truffles ever finds a bag with the slightest opening she’s straight in there going through your stuff. No principles, all property is theft as far as Truffles is concerned. Fair play. Meow – 4/10 Whilst we’re not sure of Truffles general ability to meow we do know she cries […]
We’re very sorry to have tell everyone that Jasper has unfortunately passed away. We’re also sorry to tell you that he passed away ages ago but we forgot to anything on here. Jasper will always be defined with his fascination with sheds and being quite fluffy. He leaves behind William and George, who as far as we know are still very much alive. Goodbye Jasper.
We’re very sorry to have to let you know that Lucy has passed away. She unfortunately suffered kidney failure. Although we did have a bit of confusion, about her gender and name, we will hold Lucy up as one of our favourite cats. She always came to say hello and would let anyone give her a tickle. Although she was slight in stature she was never bullied by the many many cats that lived around her, which can only be testament to how much they too respected her. Goodbye Lucy, you will be missed.
Name: Mr P (Identity confirmed) CAVEAT – We have no where enough information to carry out this assessment. We have no facts. Agility – 2/10 We think his on-going battle with weight issues are going to impact on his ability to get about. We don’t know this for a fact but we’ve been in cat assessment business for quite a while now. We understand that he is capable of getting over the “back wall” but this is more than likely driven by the whiff of a spare dinner. Health & Vitality – 1/10 This is one of the lowest scores we’ve given a contender. Mr P was once featured on the BBC website as some sort of “fat cat” (picture number 5), this doesn’t mean that his excessive bonus and tax avoidance has led to the financial apocalypse. No, it means he is quite literally a cat that is fat. He spent some time visiting the obesity club run by the vet, we’re not ones to criticise vets but running clubs for cats is a stupid idea. They’re not very good at joining in. If there was such a thing as cat diabetes then he is surely a candidate.Well what do you know? Apparently there is such a thing as cat diabetes but one of the symptoms is weight loss. I think we’ve all learnt something here. Home invasion – 5/10 We know Mr P visits a neighbour and once lost his collar down the road. Sorry they’re not the most […]
Name: Stevie Kitsen (Identity confirmed) Agility – 2/10 We know little about Stevie’s agility. We know she (yes, she, more on that later), we know she favours a window when coming in and out of the house. This isn’t really that incredible, many cats prefer the informal mode of ingress and egress. Her owner once experimented with one of those new fangled cat cameras; apparently she looked out of the window all day. Ahhh, but did she? Or did she take a picture of the outside and place a still of it in front of the camera whilst carrying out any number of capers? We’ve seen it done before, though admittedly it wasn’t done by a cat and it was in a film. Health & Vitality – 7/10 Little Stevie Kitsen has suffered the ignominy of having being labelled a male cat whilst all the while bring a female. Apparently this is because her gender was determined by the landlord of the local pub. This goes a long way to reaffirming the need for professionalism in the veterinary trade; we can’t just let charlatans carry out detailed examinations of cats. Besides this unfortunate start Stevie is a healthy and sprightly individual whose character oozes out of her. Not oozing like liquid, that would be a sign of an unhealthy cat. Home invasion – 9/10 When Stevie’s owner got a dog Stevie went to live in the pub. This is where she found her current owner; this level of self sufficiency […]
Name: Spike (Identity confirmed) Agility – 3/10 We just don’t know. No fascinating anecdotes or adventures mean that we have to be cautious. Health & Vitality – 5/10 Spike’s not much more than a kitten. They’re all healthy, except the sickly ones that pander to Darwin. Home invasion – 7/10 As Spike was discovered in a park (in Balsall Heath no less) he does have a hint of the vagrant about him. This is a good thing, it means he can take care of himself. Meow – 3/10 Again we don’t know. He doesn’t look like a noisy one but it is so hard to judge these days. Fighting Ability – 8/10 Now we’re talking. Spike has tried to eat a child by starting with their hair. We weren’t there but we do have an image of Spike dangling with a mouthful of hair. Obviously Spike will learn, over time, if you want to eat a child then start with their feet so they can’t run away. Spike has also got into a fight with a dog and punched a man in the face. We do know that the dog in question is a bit dim but it is a natural predator so fair play. Overall cuteness – 4/10 Is that cute? We don’t think so. Yes, we can see Spike can do the comic position but a kitten needs to go that little bit further. Friendliness – 3/10 Punched a man in the face. THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF FRIENDLY. […]
Name: Jasper (Identity confirmed) Agility – 8/10 Jasper lives on a shed. Getting on top of a shed requires agility therefore Jasper is agile. It is a simple equation that is old as sheds (the word shed came into common parlance in 1481, Jasper is not that old). Health & Vitality – 7/10 Look at his fluffy coat, that’s surely a sign of health isn’t it? We’ve lost track of whether we like long haired cats or not. Apparently the vet thinks he is in excellent condition. Well the vet should know, having skills in cat physiology that we can only dream of. Home invasion – 0/10 Jasper’s “visiting” is frankly rubbish. We never see him out and about he seems to make no effort to get into other houses. Though does that mean he is so stealthy that we just haven’ t noticed him? No, he’s rubbish. Meow – 8/10 This is a rarity, Jasper bearly shuts up. We’ve heard him, sitting in the street banging on about God knows what. Based on these antics we’ve seriously considered re-evaluating the concept of this category and penalising the meow. On balance we decided that this would be rash. Fighting Ability – 5/10 Although Jasper bears the scars of battle we don’t think he’s very good at it. Apparently he once fought Edward for dominance of the shed. Can you imagine that? What a battle, we think it must have been like Gladiators, not that recent rubbish from Sky but proper Gladiators when […]
It has come to our attention that one of our oldest cats Steven, is actually called Lucy. This means that we got both gender and name wrong. The churlish amongst you might ask, “what qualifies you to run a cat review web site when you can’t even get the gender right?”. It’s a fair question, we would say “there aren’t qualifications in reviewing cats, we’re breaking new ground here, we’re living on the edge, there will be casualties. Lucy isn’t a casualty, she’s fine. We might look at her scores again but probably not.
Name: William (Identity confirmed) Agility – 8/10 Now William isn’t the sort of cat you’re going to see navigating an upstairs window nor a large tree but he does have a unique agility. You see, he has a lovely trot. He scampers along like he is walking on rainbows. Health & Vitality – 5/10 We worry about William. He gives off the sort of air that he is too good for this life. We’re not implying he’s sick or anything, how we would we know? We know literally nothing about cat physiology. It’s more of a feeling possibly best summed up by the wise words of Art Garfunkel, “How can the light that burned so brightly Suddenly burn so pale?” Ok, he was singing about a large rabbit and has little relevance to what we’re talking about but it makes you think doesn’t it? Home invasion – 5/10 William has so much untapped potential but just isn’t willing to go that last yard. He’s not a cat that’s going to sneak in through the back door. No, he’s brazen enough to sit outside a strangers house and asks to be let in, unfortunately he is too wary to follow this through. This could be sign of a greater intelligence, although we’re happy to reward cats for paying a quick visit, it is quite the most ridiculous activity their species engages in. Meow – 6/10 William has a unique meow, it’s shrill but has a soft tone to it. He frequently uses […]
Name: George (Identity confirmed) Agility – 6/10 The one thing we can say with some certainty about George is, he can run. We know this as we frequently see him running. Every time we see him running it always seems to be away from something else, another cat, a car, a carrier bag that dances in the wind. He is terrified of literally everything. This has meant that he has a admirable ability to get from one place to another, quickly. If only we could harness this ability (metaphorically, we don’t believe putting a real harness on him would do much good, he’s quick but he isn’t strong enough to pull a tiny wagon or anything like that). Health & Vitality – 8/10 George is a picture of health, as you can see he has the most fluffy of coats. Actually we think we might have done him a disservice in the previous category questioning his strength. We think George is probably one of the strongest of cats as when ever he goes out in the rain we think his fluffyness must increase his body weight by nearly 200%. Home invasion – 0/10 George is so scared of everything we cannot imagine a situation where he would break into someone elses house. Oh no, that’s not true, there is one situation where he might, if he thought for one minute that you had some tasty rubbish in your house then he would be round like a shot. George really likes […]