Here we go, Alfonso (Identity confirmed). He’s a big one. Agility – 4/10 Don’t be fooled by the casual use of building materials as a bed. Alfonso isn’t made for the outdoor world. He can’t walk along a fence without looking like an arse. He can’t even climb a tree properly because it scares the willies out of himself. He’s delicate. Health & Vitality – 7/10 With nostrils like tiny tunnels Alfonso is worryingly efficient at absorbing oxygen. As anyone knows the key to efficient cardio is optimising breathing. Alfonso is described as having a “swinging belly”. This is a mistake made by many amateur cat enthusiasts. The swinging element is actually made of prominent tummy pom poms. These are entirely natural and a sign of a good healthy cat. Alfonso once spent a day on Ketamine. Most of that day involved downing pints of water and then throwing it all back up again. Don’t be too harsh on him, we’ve all done it. Home invasion – 2/10 There is little or no evidence to back up any sort of skill at breaking and entering. We know he can crawl about on his own flat roof but at the end of the day who cares? It’s other people’s roofs we care about. We also know that another cat sneaks in and steals his dinner. Not even defending your own territory is obviously heavily penalised. Meow – 6/10 Most of his vocal ability is focused on setting out his need to be rescued from whatever […]
It’s time to get back to it. We’ve had three years off and there are a lot of cats that need reviewing. Let’s judge them. First off we present Honey. We’ve studied Honey, we’ve shared a laugh with Honey, we’ve built a bond with Honey. We feel this is the most objective assessment Honey will get. We hope she will use it to inform her continued development. Agility – 6/10 She may not look like she’s made of springs but she’s no stranger to the giddy heights. On her days off she can be found lying about on the roof of her own personal shed. It’s not like there is a ladder she can climb up, no, straight up and in off the fence. Deft. Health & Vitality – 6/10 This is a tricky one, she’s a good size, or at least we think so. It’s hard to tell because she is ridiculously hairy. For all we know she might be tiny under there. Though that means she would be carrying around a massive rug so that means she must be strong. But really, long haired cats, what’s that all about? It’s an evolutionary dead end. In an age of central heating there is no need for cats to have long hair anymore. Home invasion – 10/10 We once found her sitting at the end of our bed. She doesn’t live here, which was the first thing we pointed out to her. She took this on board, with some grace, and […]
It looks like Milo has gone missing. He’s done a runner from the area around Oakfield Road, Balsall Heath. Apparently he will answer to his name, which sounds a bit unlikely but worth a shot. He’s only been missing since the 21st December, so the trail is very much alive. So get out there and check your sheds, or even take a close look at that cat you might have “taken in” over the last couple of days. His owners really want him back and this isn’t the weather for a cat to be outside mucking about in. If you see him, then his owners number is there, alternatively email us on firstname.lastname@example.org or even leave a message in the comments below. Good luck, let’s being Milo home.
Merry Christmas to all Meowseley readers. It’s been a bumper year for us, having reviewed TWO cats (and both of those in the last week). We’re going to have a bit of a break now but we’ve already got a new contender lined up for 2014, and it’s a good one. We’re always looking for new contenders, so if you’ve got a cat you’re particularly proud of click the submit button and tell us about it. Meanwhile, to keep you happy over the long Christmas break, here’s a video of a cat in front of an open fire.
Name: Tij (Identity confirmed) Occasionally, just occasionally this job is a 24 carat pleasure. We present to you Tij, one of the finest cats we’ve had the good fortune to review. Agility – 7/10 We don’t have tangible examples of agility, but we know that Tij is adept at catching birds. Obviously birds live in the sky so any cat would require a degree of agility to get up there. Unfortunately predatory ability is covered in another category and it would be remiss of us to double count. We do know that if you were to hold your hand above her head she leaps like a coiled spring looking to be tickled. We are aware that the spring metaphor fails towards the end. Health & Vitality – 8/10 She’s a very good weight. What else do you need to know? We’re not going into exact details, anyway, you’ve got no idea how big she is so telling you how much she weighs would be practically useless. All you need to know is she weighs less than the other cats, all of them. In itself she is lucky to be a good weight. Tij and her brother were rescued from a precarious life behind some large bins. Home invasion – 2/10 Tij falls down here. We’ve seen no evidence that she visits upon other houses. As we’ve gained an insight into Tij’s life we’ve come to the conclusion that her spectacularly comfortable home life has dulled her instinct to explore. Meow […]
Name: Truffles (Identity confirmed) We need to apologise to Truffles in advance. We have virtually no information to go on at the moment so this review is, at best, limited; but we haven’t reviewed any cats in a while so let’s go wild and judge her based on pure conjecture. Agility – 8/10 Truffles likes to drink from the toilet, leaving aside the obvious hygiene concerns this indicates an element of agility. What we don’t know is if Truffles lives in a house where they leave the seat up or not, this is vital information as it would give us a better sense of the width of the ledge she uses for balance. Having said that we’re in the cat reviewing business not the nosey toilet business so we thought it better not to ask. Health & Vitality – 8/10 Shiny eyes? Tick. Furry coat? Tick. What isn’t healthy about Truffles? Nothing that’s what. She’s a great example of a living breathing cat. Home invasion – 9/10 We don’t really know whether or not she visits other houses. We do know that she’s basically a thief, you might think those are strong words, they are, and we stand by them. If Truffles ever finds a bag with the slightest opening she’s straight in there going through your stuff. No principles, all property is theft as far as Truffles is concerned. Fair play. Meow – 4/10 Whilst we’re not sure of Truffles general ability to meow we do know she cries […]
We’re very sorry to have tell everyone that Jasper has unfortunately passed away. We’re also sorry to tell you that he passed away ages ago but we forgot to put anything on here. Jasper will always be defined with his fascination with sheds and being quite fluffy. He leaves behind William and George, who as far as we know are still very much alive. Goodbye Jasper.
We’re very sorry to have to let you know that Lucy has passed away. She unfortunately suffered kidney failure. Although we did have a bit of confusion, about her gender and name, we will hold Lucy up as one of our favourite cats. She always came to say hello and would let anyone give her a tickle. Although she was slight in stature she was never bullied by the many many cats that lived around her, which can only be testament to how much they too respected her. Goodbye Lucy, you will be missed.
Name: Mr P (Identity confirmed) CAVEAT – We have nowhere enough information to carry out this assessment. We have no facts. Agility – 2/10 We think his on-going battle with weight issues are going to impact on his ability to get about. We don’t know this for a fact but we’ve been in cat assessment business for quite a while now. We understand that he is capable of getting over the “back wall” but this is more than likely driven by the whiff of a spare dinner. Health & Vitality – 1/10 This is one of the lowest scores we’ve given a contender. Mr P was once featured on the BBC website as some sort of “fat cat” (picture number 5), this doesn’t mean that his excessive bonus and tax avoidance has led to the financial apocalypse. No, it means he is quite literally a cat that is fat. He spent some time visiting the obesity club run by the vet, we’re not ones to criticise vets but running clubs for cats is a stupid idea. They’re not very good at joining in. If there was such a thing as cat diabetes then he is surely a candidate.Well what do you know? Apparently there is such a thing as cat diabetes but one of the symptoms is weight loss. I think we’ve all learnt something here. Home invasion – 5/10 We know Mr P visits a neighbour and once lost his collar down the road. Sorry they’re not the most gripping […]
Name: Stevie Kitsen (Identity confirmed) Agility – 2/10 We know little about Stevie’s agility. We know she (yes, she, more on that later), we know she favours a window when coming in and out of the house. This isn’t really that incredible, many cats prefer the informal mode of ingress and egress. Her owner once experimented with one of those new fangled cat cameras; apparently she looked out of the window all day. Ahhh, but did she? Or did she take a picture of the outside and place a still of it in front of the camera whilst carrying out any number of capers? We’ve seen it done before, though admittedly it wasn’t done by a cat and it was in a film. Health & Vitality – 7/10 Little Stevie Kitsen has suffered the ignominy of having being labelled a male cat whilst all the while bring a female. Apparently this is because her gender was determined by the landlord of the local pub. This goes a long way to reaffirming the need for professionalism in the veterinary trade; we can’t just let charlatans carry out detailed examinations of cats. Besides this unfortunate start Stevie is a healthy and sprightly individual whose character oozes out of her. Not oozing like liquid, that would be a sign of an unhealthy cat. Home invasion – 9/10 When Stevie’s owner got a dog Stevie went to live in the pub. This is where she found her current owner; this level of self sufficiency […]