Meowseley

Name: Ollie (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • Ok what have we got? Ollie can jump on to the top of a fridge freezer. According to Currys that seems to be a height of around 1.7 meters. That’s a good height, taller than a man but smaller than a house (for those of you that need a bit of clarity on what a fridge looks like). Interestingly Ollie was once rehoused after climbing up the chimney. He clearly sees himself as some sort of cockney street urchin.
2. Health & Vitality – 3/10
   • Unfortunately Ollie doesn’t have a tail. This is a bit odd in a cat. Unless you’re one of those freaky manx cats. We don’t think Ollie is a manx cat. Anyway we have been reliably told that manx cats are forbidden from crossing into this country because of the way they unsettle children. We are not completely sure why Ollie doesn’t have a tail but we’re going to penalise him for it.
3. Home invasion – 4/10
   • From what we can gather, most of Ollie’s invasions seem to result from him moving in with new owners and then getting thrown out because he doesn’t like children or other cats. We can understand where he’s coming from but it isn’t a good example of breaking and entering.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • We’ve noticed that talking cats are on the up these days. Ollie has developed an ability to talk after having a tooth extracted. We assume that the tooth was in some way blocking his mouth. More importantly we know where he had his tooth extracted and we’re giving him points for simply being alive. We don’t want to get sued so you might want to try and guess where he went to the vets.
5. Fighting Ability – 8/10
   • Ollie is a bully. He likes to bully smaller cats. Fantastic. We like a bully. What these smaller cats need to learn is that they need to stand up to Ollie as it is the one thing he fears. In reality they will probably get a good kicking but……
6. Overall cuteness – 6/10
   • This is a really tricky one. We’ve seen Ollie in a number of different situations and in some he’s very cute yet others he looks like he’ll rip your eyes out. We do note that at 13 he’s getting on a bit, so the fact that he’s sometimes cute is enough for the benefit of the doubt.
7. Friendliness – 6/10
   • Although Ollie has moved house due to his antipathy to children and other cats he does get on well with full sized humans. We don’t give a toss about children so we think a fairly good score is in order.
8. Dignity – 8/10
   • In many ways you would think that a cat wearing a hat would have no dignity whatsoever. We would have held this as one of our first rules of cats, dignity and clothing. In fact it would be our only rule of cats, dignity and clothing. As you can see, Ollie does indeed have an air of dignity wearing a hat. In fact, in a move designed to throw all rules out of the window, Ollie has dignity wearing what appears to be the silver case from a mince pie.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • This is a section of mixed blessings for Ollie. On the one hand he can play a chord on a guitar. That is very impressive. Well it’s impressive if it’s an E7 augmented 9th as that requires fingers and some musical theory knowledge. On the other hand he eats melon. Cats don’t eat melons. What possible situation could a melon become the natural prey of a cat? The idiot.
10. Remaining lives – 8/10
    • Getting to 13 even without your tail is a fair achievement. We also respect the nomadic lifestyle that’s led him to a variety of homes. Oh and being forced to clean chimneys is a true tale of hardship.

Summary: 64%

It would seem that Ollie has only been let down by his lack of a tail. We must be perpetrating some sort of body fascism. It is a good score and one deserved by a distinguished and interesting cat.

We don’t want to worry you but another cat has gone missing.

Gerrard was last seen outside his house in Moseley Gate.

He’s a small and tame black cat. It’s obviously very cold at the moment so it would be great to get him back home. If you live close by or even if you’re just passing, keep your eyes open.

If you do see him then let us know by sending an email to emergency@meowseley.co.uk

Alternatively leave a comment below. We’ll try and get a photo as soon as possible so you don’t confuse him with other entirely innocent cats.

Name: Yoda (Identity confirmed)

Before we get started it might be useful to address some of the issues that have been raised about cat names. Some people have commented on the growing trend to give cats person names rather than what could be considered a conventional feline labelling.

We would like to make it clear that although we think of cats as tiny furry people we do not penalise a contender for having a silly name. We recognise that the name a cat is saddled with is the responsibility of the owner and should not reflect badly on the unfortunate creature that ends up named after a cartoon or a cloud. Though we can’t think of any examples of where this has happened.

This statement of policy should not be seen as any sort of criticism of Yoda’s name. We do think it’s a bit of  silly name, especially as she is a girl (cat).

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Yoda can climb through windows. This is basic cat behaviour and isn’t really going to get her a large score. But hang on a minute these windows she can climb through are bedroom windows. Isn’t it conventional to have your bedroom upstairs? That means she must be doing something fairly agile to make her window climbing decision useful. This score stands whilst further investigations take place as to where exactly this “bedroom” is.
2. Health & Vitality – 6/10
   • She looks healthy. She certainly doesn’t look like she’s 7 years old so she must be doing something right. She did get eaten by a dog once. The term eaten might be a slight embellishment but it’s going to take its toll mentally.
3. Home invasion – 8/10
   • Ahh the old two dinner trick. Yoda visits her neighbours where she will regularly receive an extra dinner. Invading a house is one thing but filling your pockets whilst you’re in there is a gift.
4. Meow – 8/10
   • Not just one meow but a wide variety of context sensitive meows. She can, apparently, communicate her every thought through a highly evolved system of language. We are sceptical about this as previous attempts to communicate with cats have largely been doomed due to their tiny brains. We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being.
5. Fighting Ability – 1/10
   • Simply not good enough. There is no credible evidence of Yoda fighting and an underlying implication that she simply legs it at the first sign of trouble.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • We think she’s cute. Very cute actually. She’s getting on a bit but still has the air of a kitten. Anyway, there’s a picture up there so judge for yourself.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • Some would say she’s a bit of cold fish. That would be an extremely odd description for a cat as ironically they really like eating cold fish. Yoda is not going to be leaping all over strangers but will show a level of affection once she gets to know you. This is probably quite rational behaviour if you’re quite small but we like cats that are just shameless.
8. Dignity – 2/10
   • She licks her arse on the dining room table. We imagine this isn’t during dinner. You wouldn’t really stand for that would you?
9. Intelligence – 7/10
   • Now this category has produced a horrible contradiction. Yoda’s owners think she isn’t very clever yet claim she has her own distinct language. We think being able to talk makes her fairly clever. Certainly cleverer than any of our previous contenders.
10. Remaining lives – 10/10
    • This is the most startling cat revelation we have ever come across. You might want to sit down for this bit. Yoda’s brother was taken away by an eagle. We’ll let you think about that for a bit.

    An eagle……… or possibly another sort of large bird. We think an eagle sounds better so it’s the story we are going with. This is an outstanding brush with death. Though to be fair to Yoda, she wasn’t there at the time and probably doesn’t know anything about it. We are giving a big bucket load of vicarious points for the mental image it created.

Summary: 61%

Yoda appears to be a bit of mixed bag . Some devastatingly good scores (you did see the bit about the eagle didn’t you?) and yet rubbish at fighting. It all contributes to the rich tapestry that is grading cats by arbitrary criteria.

There’s another one gone. Unfortunately we don’t know much about this one. We don’t know its name and we can’t narrow down its last known location, beyond B13.

It looks like quite a nice cat but seems to have been missing since the 29th August.

I think we can all agree that is a very long time.

This seems to be a bit of a trend at the moment, the missing cat thing rather than us not knowing cats’ names. It is important to follow these trends in case there is some sort of cat thief about.

It wouldn’t do if someone was putting them into servitude. Probably a pretty unproductive servitude but one that should be stamped on none the less.

As per normal if you see her or even hear a rumour email us at the usual address (emergency@meowseley.co.uk)

Thanks to @bounder for alerting to us to this most perilous of situations.

Name(s):  Frankie & Scottty (Identity confirmed)

Both Frankie and Scotty were submitted as a pair. This has caused us some problems, mainly becuase we’re not sure our scoring system can cope with it.

We had a discussion with some of the worlds greatest cat experts and decided that if it’s good enough for wrestling then it’s good enough for us. So, may we present Frankie and Scotty?

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Both cats can easily jump over 6 feet. A few months ago we would have been impressed by this but it is quickly becoming apparent that if you’re a cat and you can’t jump over 6 feet then there is something wrong with you. What they can do is leap over plants like tiny show jumpers. This is a fantastic image and we can only assume that their owner straps Action Men to their backs as a matter of course.
2. Health & Vitality – 8/10
   • These cats live on a diet of fresh fish and chicken. Even we don’t live on a diet of fresh fish and chicken. Though we also don’t have a head shaped like a protractor,but it isn’t a competition (it is really). A good diet means a shiny coat and at the very least the appearance of health and vitality.
3. Home invasion – 6/10
   • Frankie and Scotty are known to visit their neighbour upstairs and they do jump over fences. Not the most thrilling story of adventure but solid evidence.
4. Meow – 10/10
   • They scream like banshees. It’s pretty well as good as it gets. We are extremely greatful that they don’t live anywhere near us.
5. Fighting Ability – 3/10
   • As far as we know they are “brilliant at catching flies”.  If, like Ralph Maccio, in the Karate Kid, they could catch them with chopsticks we’d be impressed. Their lack of thumbs makes this very unlikely. In the grand scheme of things flies are very low down. We’re not particularly impressed.
6. Overall cuteness – 4/10
   • Both of them were always going to be slightly doomed on this one. Though to be fair to both of them when we first saw their picture they got an instant 1. They’ve slightly grown on us. Unfortunately the whole alien look went out around 1995 when the X Files became crap. 
7. Friendliness – 4/10
   • Neither of them seem to be too keen on strangers. They wouldn’t let a stranger pick them up. Neither would we, that would be weird. Like other recent contenders they get very attached to their owner. Of course this is because they’ve bonded on a personal level rather than the fresh fish and chicken.
8. Dignity – 9/10
   • It is unlikely you will ever see cats that similarly ooze dignity. When we first saw them we were tempted to doff our collective caps. 
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • There is little to indicate that either of them are particularly clever cats. They play with rubber bands. 
10. Remaining lives – 5/10
    • Frankie got hit by a car and once broke her leg. Normally this would be grounds for a massive score but this is where the penalty comes in. If you submit two cats you’ve really got two chances at longevity. It’s a numbers game. 

Summary: 60%

Considering that there are two of them you’d have expected a high 60’s score. Well, maybe we’ve been a bit harsh, but they are a bit funny looking.