Name: Spike (Identity confirmed) Agility – 3/10 We just don’t know. No fascinating anecdotes or adventures mean that we have to be cautious. Health & Vitality – 5/10 Spike’s not much more than a kitten. They’re all healthy, except the sickly ones that pander to Darwin. Home invasion – 7/10 As Spike was discovered in a park (in Balsall Heath no less) he does have a hint of the vagrant about him. This is a good thing, it means he can take care of himself. Meow – 3/10 Again we don’t know. He doesn’t look like a noisy one but it is so hard to judge these days. Fighting Ability – 8/10 Now we’re talking. Spike has tried to eat a child by starting with their hair. We weren’t there but we do have an image of Spike dangling with a mouthful of hair. Obviously Spike will learn, over time, if you want to eat a child then start with their feet so they can’t run away. Spike has also got into a fight with a dog and punched a man in the face. We do know that the dog in question is a bit dim but it is a natural predator so fair play. Overall cuteness – 4/10 Is that cute? We don’t think so. Yes, we can see Spike can do the comic position but a kitten needs to go that little bit further. Friendliness – 3/10 Punched a man in the face. THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF FRIENDLY. […]
Name: Jasper (Identity confirmed) Agility – 8/10 Jasper lives on a shed. Getting on top of a shed requires agility therefore Jasper is agile. It is a simple equation that is old as sheds (the word shed came into common parlance in 1481, Jasper is not that old). Health & Vitality – 7/10 Look at his fluffy coat, that’s surely a sign of health isn’t it? We’ve lost track of whether we like long haired cats or not. Apparently the vet thinks he is in excellent condition. Well the vet should know, having skills in cat physiology that we can only dream of. Home invasion – 0/10 Jasper’s “visiting” is frankly rubbish. We never see him out and about he seems to make no effort to get into other houses. Though does that mean he is so stealthy that we just haven’ t noticed him? No, he’s rubbish. Meow – 8/10 This is a rarity, Jasper bearly shuts up. We’ve heard him, sitting in the street banging on about God knows what. Based on these antics we’ve seriously considered re-evaluating the concept of this category and penalising the meow. On balance we decided that this would be rash. Fighting Ability – 5/10 Although Jasper bears the scars of battle we don’t think he’s very good at it. Apparently he once fought Edward for dominance of the shed. Can you imagine that? What a battle, we think it must have been like Gladiators, not that recent rubbish from Sky but proper Gladiators when […]
It has come to our attention that one of our oldest cats Steven, is actually called Lucy. This means that we got both gender and name wrong. The churlish amongst you might ask, “what qualifies you to run a cat review web site when you can’t even get the gender right?”. It’s a fair question, we would say “there aren’t qualifications in reviewing cats, we’re breaking new ground here, we’re living on the edge, there will be casualties. Lucy isn’t a casualty, she’s fine. We might look at her scores again but probably not.
Name: William (Identity confirmed) Agility – 8/10 Now William isn’t the sort of cat you’re going to see navigating an upstairs window nor a large tree but he does have a unique agility. You see, he has a lovely trot. He scampers along like he is walking on rainbows. Health & Vitality – 5/10 We worry about William. He gives off the sort of air that he is too good for this life. We’re not implying he’s sick or anything, how we would we know? We know literally nothing about cat physiology. It’s more of a feeling possibly best summed up by the wise words of Art Garfunkel, “How can the light that burned so brightly Suddenly burn so pale?” Ok, he was singing about a large rabbit and has little relevance to what we’re talking about but it makes you think doesn’t it? Home invasion – 5/10 William has so much untapped potential but just isn’t willing to go that last yard. He’s not a cat that’s going to sneak in through the back door. No, he’s brazen enough to sit outside a strangers house and asks to be let in, unfortunately he is too wary to follow this through. This could be sign of a greater intelligence, although we’re happy to reward cats for paying a quick visit, it is quite the most ridiculous activity their species engages in. Meow – 6/10 William has a unique meow, it’s shrill but has a soft tone to it. He frequently uses […]
Name: George (Identity confirmed) Agility – 6/10 The one thing we can say with some certainty about George is, he can run. We know this as we frequently see him running. Every time we see him running it always seems to be away from something else, another cat, a car, a carrier bag that dances in the wind. He is terrified of literally everything. This has meant that he has a admirable ability to get from one place to another, quickly. If only we could harness this ability (metaphorically, we don’t believe putting a real harness on him would do much good, he’s quick but he isn’t strong enough to pull a tiny wagon or anything like that). Health & Vitality – 8/10 George is a picture of health, as you can see he has the most fluffy of coats. Actually we think we might have done him a disservice in the previous category questioning his strength. We think George is probably one of the strongest of cats as when ever he goes out in the rain we think his fluffyness must increase his body weight by nearly 200%. Home invasion – 0/10 George is so scared of everything we cannot imagine a situation where he would break into someone elses house. Oh no, that’s not true, there is one situation where he might, if he thought for one minute that you had some tasty rubbish in your house then he would be round like a shot. George really likes […]
Name: Kit (Identity confirmed) We usually refrain from commenting on a cats name, after all a cat doesn’t pick its own name. In the case of Kit we hope he is named as a tribute to Knight Rider rather than a poor chocolate based pun. A cats identity should not be the basis of a pun. Agility – 7/10 Kit takes an active interest in building, he doesn’t build but he does supervise. He once helped a roofer build a conservatory. Imagine, you’re completely lost in a world of roofing tiles and a little cat comes trotting along the very apex of the roof to see how you are. Wouldn’t that be about the most gratifying point of your roofing career? Apparently Kit did this all the time and really annoyed the roofer, but the first time, that must have been brilliant. Health & Vitality – 4/10 There is absolutely no polite way of putting this. When Kit was born, it was difficult to tell what sex he was/is. Now we can understand that gender ambiguity in the first few days and weeks does happen, but six months? This clearly doesn’t mean that Kit is unhealthy, but you have to remember this is vitality as well. We think his coat is very shiny if that helps. Home invasion – 8/10 He will hop through anyone’s window. This is not a euphemism. This could actually be considered the very definition of reckless. Interestingly he really likes to have a look round in […]
Name: Towser (Identity confirmed) Agility – 8/10 Agility is the very bread and butter of being a cat and we think Towser has more than enough to make a sandwich, to pointlessly extend a metaphor. His owner has sadly undersold Towser’s ability at agility, but we can see lashings of potential. Towser is adept at running the length of a fence. There are few sights as satisfying in life as a cheeky cat running along the top of fence, his (or her) tail all over the place, will he (or she) fall? We hope not. Towser can also jump in and out of boxes. Many people would discount this sort of activity as some sort of modern cat fad, we don’t, we can’t think of many things that make us chuckle more than a cat leaping into a box (especially if it is too small). Health & Vitality – 6/10 We know he’s healthy, we can see he is quite shiny. These are all good things, but we also know he is prone to bringing his dinner back. This isn’t an act of selfless devotion to his owner. It’s unthinking greediness or an underlying bowel condition. We’re going to be coming down hard on this in the coming year. Home invasion – 2/10 There doesn’t seem to be anything to substantiate any latent invasion ability. He once threw up on a neightbours doorstep, whilst amusing this is a rubbish example of breaking in. Invasion is about stealth and subtelty, projecting […]
Name: Hobbes (Identity confirmed) Every now and then a cat comes along that touches the lives of everyone that it meets. A cat that makes you spontaneously clap your hands with glee. This is just such a cat. Agility – 9/10 We won’t beat about the bush here, look at the picture, he’s on the bloody roof. How did he get up there? We don’t know, people can’t get onto that roof, it’s like he has done the impossible. What we do know is that Hobbes just fancied a bit of a sleep, ON THE ROOF. This is just one example of how Hobbes rolls. You might be wondering why he only got nine points, well we did observe Hobbes fall off the top of a car once. This isn’t very cat like behaviour. Though we should add that it was a car he was trying to steal at the time. Health & Vitality – 7/10 We know nothing about his medical history and he always appears fairly healthy. He’s got a shiny coat and a glint in his eye which is surely a good sign. We know, for a fact, that any mischievous twinkle is surely yet another madcap caper hatching in this most extra ordinairy of cats. Home invasion – 15/10 Normal rules don’t apply. We’ve had to push the envelope and call on every cliche we can think of. Let me tell you a story about Hobbes, one day I woke up and found Hobbes sitting next […]
Name: Doris (Identity confirmed) What’s this? The third or even fourth cat this year? Yes indeed, this is what it’s like at the cutting edge of the world wide web. Agility – 3/10 We’re used to owners embellishing their cats agility but Doris makes a refreshing change. Apparently she can’t be arsed. Fair play to her, jumping over things is overrated. Unless, of course your judging a cat on agility then such abilities are very much rated. Health & Vitality – 10/10 Doris is polydactyl, we were very excited when we found this out, mainly because we thought it said pterodactyl, we did wonder why a prehistoric flying lizard had been submitted to a cat review site. Once we realised our mistake we were again very excited. Doris has got thumbs. This means she is the next stage of feline evolution and could, at a push, open her own tins of cat food. Apparently she does wheeze a bit but we’re ignoring this because she has thumbs. Home invasion – 6/10 Although she doesn’t have a great history of breaking into other houses she has lived in a fair few places. She once lived with Len but he got rid of her because she tripped him up. It doesn’t seem very tolerant but also fairly short sighted by Doris. She’s lived in Tidbury Green and Whitlocks End which sound like completely made up places. She also lived in Sid and Linda’s conservatory. We have absolutely no idea who any of these people […]
It’s only been a few days but Ruby’s been found. Actually she hasn’t been found, she came home of her own accord. If previous experience is anything to go by then we assume that the Birmingham Post will be clamouring for a press conference. We don’t know where she’s been but apparently she looked a bit thin, was very hungry and quite tired. Though cats tend to be quite tired from the moment they get up. We think she’s been to town.