MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Jul
10thNew Contender: Spike

Name: Spike (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 3/10
   • We just don’t know. No fascinating anecdotes or adventures mean that we have to be cautious.
2. Health & Vitality – 5/10
   • Spike’s not much more than a kitten. They’re all healthy, except the sickly ones that pander to Darwin.
3. Home invasion – 7/10
   • As Spike was discovered in a park (in Balsall Heath no less) he does have a hint of the vagrant about him. This is a good thing, it means he can take care of himself.
4. Meow – 3/10
   • Again we don’t know. He doesn’t look like  a noisy one but it is so hard to judge these days.
5. Fighting Ability – 8/10
   • Now we’re talking. Spike has tried to eat a child by starting with their hair. We weren’t there but we do have an image of Spike dangling with a mouthful of hair. Obviously Spike will learn, over time, if you want to eat a child then start with their feet so they can’t run away. Spike has also got into a fight with a dog and punched a man in the face. We do know that the dog in question is a bit dim but it is a natural predator so fair play.
6. Overall cuteness – 4/10
   • Is that cute? We don’t think so. Yes, we can see Spike can do the comic position but a kitten needs to go that little bit further.
7. Friendliness – 3/10
   • Punched a man in the face. THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF FRIENDLY.
8. Dignity – 4/10
   • Is dignity lying prostrate on your back doing an impression of rabbit? Not it isn’t.
9. Intelligence – 7/10
   • Spike spends much of his day laying elaborate traps so he can jump out on people, children and dogs. This isn’t the natural instinct of the hunter but rather a carefully constructed homage to the films of the late Peter Sellers.
10. Remaining lives – 8/10
    • Having been born on quite literally, the wrong side of the tracks, Spike has found a loving new home which he has systematically abused and terrorised. Some would say this isn’t the most shrewd move but it is breathtakingly bold.

Summary: 52%

We can’t help feeling that Spike might have done better if we’d known more about him.

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