Now William isn’t the sort of cat you’re going to see navigating an upstairs window nor a large tree but he does have a unique agility. You see, he has a lovely trot. He scampers along like he is walking on rainbows.
Health & Vitality – 5/10
We worry about William. He gives off the sort of air that he is too good for this life. We’re not implying he’s sick or anything, how we would we know? We know literally nothing about cat physiology. It’s more of a feeling possibly best summed up by the wise words of Art Garfunkel, “How can the light that burned so brightly Suddenly burn so pale?” Ok, he was singing about a large rabbit and has little relevance to what we’re talking about but it makes you think doesn’t it?
Home invasion – 5/10
William has so much untapped potential but just isn’t willing to go that last yard. He’s not a cat that’s going to sneak in through the back door. No, he’s brazen enough to sit outside a strangers house and asks to be let in, unfortunately he is too wary to follow this through. This could be sign of a greater intelligence, although we’re happy to reward cats for paying a quick visit, it is quite the most ridiculous activity their species engages in.
Meow – 6/10
William has a unique meow, it’s shrill but has a soft tone to it. He frequently uses it to let people know he’s about, looking.
Fighting Ability – 3/10
We’ve never seen William fight. We’ve seen Edward punch him in the face a few times. He didn’t fight back. He might be a pacifist. Pacifism in cats is not something we want to see encouraged, we don’t want to see cats leaning towards any sort of philosophical bent. To be fair to William every time he has taken a bonk on the nose he’s done so with fairly good humour.
Overall cuteness – 7/10
Up there with the best. Though we accept that the picture above does very little to do him justice. Put your bits away William.
Friendliness – 6/10
Although he isn’t a cat that is prone to stopping people in the street for some random stroking he does have a lot of cat friends. William has a ridiculous number of cat friends, he can often be found lying about in the street snuggling a large tom (in this case we mean a male cat rather than the cockney colloquialism for a prostitute, this isn’t The Bill)
Dignity – 8/10
William has a quiet dignity which is best summed up in his ability to observe. At any given time we challenge you to drop to the floor and just look under that car (this usually only works if you’re outside). There’s William, he’s a keeping a close eye on things and quietly making sure it doesn’t all spin out of control.
Intelligence – 7/10
William has seen so much we imagine he has substantial files on just about everyone, a bit like the Stasi but possibly less malevolent. We think William’s files would involve a very complicated system that uses numbers.
Remaining lives – 3/10
We don’t believe that William has ever been in any real danger, if he was he’d probably try and play with it.
Now that’s quite a respectable score. Well done William.
Doesn’t it piss you off when you are sitting in a pub telling people about a cracking cat you met that there isn’t an objective standard to gauge how good it is against another cat? People can rate hurricanes but not cats. That’s ridiculous, I see loads more cats than hurricanes. I intend to redress this imbalance by making a universal standard of cats.
Many people ask if this site is restricted to just cats from a particular post code. It isn’t, cats don’t respect post codes, they don’t send letters.