This is more like it. Proper out in the field cat investigating. It’s easy enough to sit in your lounge and tell us how much you like your cat but it takes a special breed of person to go out and find us new cats in their natural habitat.
Agility – 7/10
Jess can walk the rim of a skip. We know this sounds like some sort of tawdry practice but it isn’t. She can, literally, walk round the edge of a skip without falling in. Even after a very busy year of recording cats their sheer ability mildly impresses.
Health & Vitality – 6/10
We understand that Jess is very much an outside cat. We’re not completely sure she is even owned by a person. Usually this would mean a cat would at least look a little sickly. We’re happy to report her coat is shiny and she has happy eyes.
Home invasion – 8/10
Fantastic. Jess once went to a party. She didn’t know anyone there but happily rolled up, had a bit of stroke off random strangers and then tried to move in. Exactly the sort of behaviour that gets you shunned in human society gets you points on here. That’s mainly because we’re not cats.
Meow – 4/10
Although we acknowledge that Jess will stop and “talk” to passing people we have insufficient evidence to make a judgement on the quality of her conversation. We will have to be cautious until we have better information.
Fighting Ability – 5/10
Again nobody has seen Jess fight nor has she been seen to decapitate a mouse. We do know she lives in quite a rough neighbourhood in cat terms. She’s never displayed visible injuries so we will work on the assumption that she can hold her own.
Overall cuteness – 7/10
She’s cute. In a knowing way. We know that some cats can come across quite conceited but we think she just about gets away with it.
Friendliness – 9/10
Jess is true friend to people who pass her by. It is said that if you say hello to her then she will even acknowledge you. This is rare behaviour and certainly worth some extra points.
Dignity – 4/10
Now we can understand why cats get attracted to rubbish. It probably tastes really nice but it is simply incompatible with maintaining dignity. You can have points for demonstrating the dexterity to get to rubbish but are penalised for thinking it was a good idea in the first place.
Intelligence – 4/10
She can eat cat food straight from the tin. This raises a number of questions; how did she open it? Is it stupid because she might get her head stuck? Being known as the cat with a tin on your head would be both impractical and embarrassing. You have to think of the bigger picture.
Remaining lives – 5/10
We just don’t know her history. We don’t know where she’s been nor what she’s seen. For all we know she could have spent her life on a massive cushion. Equally she could suffered the depravities of a life on the streets. That’s the crime of it, we just don’t know.
It’s always tricky with a spotted cat (a cat that has been spotted rather than one that is spotty). They always leave us with more questions than answers. We think Jess did quite well considering what we don’t know. We’re more than happy to come back to Jess as we learn more about her.
Doesn’t it piss you off when you are sitting in a pub telling people about a cracking cat you met that there isn’t an objective standard to gauge how good it is against another cat? People can rate hurricanes but not cats. That’s ridiculous, I see loads more cats than hurricanes. I intend to redress this imbalance by making a universal standard of cats.
Many people ask if this site is restricted to just cats from a particular post code. It isn’t, cats don’t respect post codes, they don’t send letters.