Meowseley

Name: Name: Jeff (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • Jeff is a bit of a feisty lady. We know what you’re thinking, lady? Yes, apparently she is named after Jeff Bridges, we cannot conceive of any reason why you would want to name a cat after Jeff Bridges. But we digress, apparently if locked up Jeff likes to leg it up the curtains and generally trash the place. You’d need a fair bit of a agility to climb up curtains.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • She looks fairly healthy. She’s got a shiny coat and nice eyes. The main thing that stands out is her absolutely massive head. If they made hats for cats then you wouldn’t be able to get one for Jeff because her head is too large. We think a big head is a sign of being healthy. Though we’re not sure why.
3. Home invasion – 5/10
   • Jeff likes to get out and about and has been described as “a bit feral”. We know she doesn’t like being kept in her own house but does that mean she goes to see other people? Based on little or no information we think she doesn’t. We think she spends most of her time outside sitting under a bush eating grass.
4. Meow – 3/10
   • There is an element of guessing in this score but we don’t think Jeff has a very good meow. We’re willing to be corrected on this.
5. Fighting Ability – 7/10
   • Jeff is like an untamed beast that has been very much tamed. She has a touch of the wild but is stil at home in polite company. We do not have a comprehensive list of the small animals she eats.
6. Overall cuteness – 8/10
   • Leaving her massive noggin aside she’s a nice cute cat.
7. Friendliness – 3/10
   • Jeff will only be stroked on her terms. It’s not friendly but at least she lets people touch her every now and then. She’s not the sort of cat that’s going to wave her legs in the air begging for attention. She does like to follow her human friends round like a lamb. We don’t really know whether this is a good thing or not as we’re not completely sure if lambs would follow you round in a friendly way.
8. Dignity – 6/10
   • She’s not the sort of cat that’s going to wave her legs in the air begging for attention.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • Jeff learnt quite quickly that she gets her own way through wanton destruction. This is good. She can clearly hatch a plan.
10. Remaining lives – 7/10
    • Jeff’s start in life was a true tale of woe. She was found abandoned with her siblings next to her dead mother. This is usually the way that serial killers start and it is a testament to her balanced nature that she’s turned out alright. Well she made it through the first bit so let’s hope she sticks around for a bit longer.

Summary: 60%

Sorry but we’ve to say it again, look at the size of her head. That’s not right is it? Anyway 60%, a good score.

Name: Name: Brown (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Brown can climb on top of clothes horse. This is good, both agile and a little bit cheeky. We can imagine a cute picture of Brown on top of some washing looking quite cute, maybe with a poorly spelled caption highlighting the incongruous nature of a cat on a clotheshorse. It could work, maybe like a meme or something.
2. Health & Vitality – 8/10
   • We have to admit that our intelligence is horrifically out of date. We had been led to believe that Brown had only ever thrown up once, ever. If Edward’s throwing up tendency is any barometer of cat health then we think Brown must be some sort of super cat with a constitution made of steel.
3. Home invasion – -/10
   • We just don’t feel able to score this one. Brown may have never been involved in breaking and entering back in October when we supposed to have written this but surely that has all been sorted out now, hasn’t it?
4. Meow – 6/10
   • Brown has a meow and uses it to good effect. Somewhat sparingly but you can have too much of good thing.
5. Fighting Ability – 5/10
   • When it comes to fighting Brown tends to keep it in the family. She fights with her uncle, Grey (there is a convoluted family tree here that we have to admit we don’t really understand). Grey is also a kitten so there is an inevitable points reduction. We’re sorry but there are not many points in beating up a kitten. We could do it and we’d probably only need one hand.
6. Overall cuteness – 6/10
   • You all know where we stand on the whole kittens being cute thing, well interestingly we don’t think Brown is that cute. She’s alright but there’s something wrong with her eyes, it looks like malice.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • Everyone knows that Brown isn’t as friendly as Grey. So she’s got less points, oh and we think she’s a bit malicious.
8. Dignity – 4/10
   • We haven’t got a lot to go on here but it is extremely unlikely that Brown is dignified. Not if you give due consideration to the previously stated washing related antics.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • Brown is probably intelligent. Certainly the look of disdain in her eyes indicates some sort of thought process.
10. Remaining lives – 3/10
    • Brown is only just beginning her journey through life. Unfortunately as recent events have so tragically shown us this is not a reliable metric of a long life. We’ve added an extra point because we’re sentimental old sods.

Summary: 50%

Now 50% looks like a rubbish score but hang on a minute. You remember we left out a score didn’t we? Oh yes, there are another ten points up for grabs which could launch Brown into the catosphere. We freely acknowledge that if Brown is expecting to get 10 points in home invasion she’d have to hold a family at gun point. We don’t expect this to happen because any family held hostage by a kitten would be a pretty crap family.