You’ve got to watch Errol Frank, he has a bit of a habit of sneaking up on you from the most unexpected angles. Quite often you can be happily wandering along, you hear a bit of meow, and there he is, lingering on a fence. He’s also very very fast.
Health & Vitality – 6/10
He’s certainly a big fellah. Probably about the size of one and a half normal cats. His coat seems quite shiny so there’s no reason to assume he is anything other than healthy.
Home invasion – 10/10
Errol is about as good as it gets when it comes to getting into other people’s houses. We’ve caught him trying to get through the cat flap and when that didn’t work he just knocked on the door. How can you refuse a cat that knocks on the door? He has been brought up very well.
Meow – 5/10
Being the strong silent type means that Errol Frank doesn’t need to make a fuss to get noticed. When he needs to let people know he’s sitting on a fence then he does but he isn’t exactly chatty.
Fighting Ability – 9/10
Errol Frank is about the hardest cat we’ve come across so far. He can batter any other cat in his road and totures small animals. He was observed once taking a rat for a walk. Racing it up and down the road until he was bored. It is dubious whether we should reward what is bsically psychotic behaviour but it was very funny.
Overall cuteness – 6/10
Considering Errol Frank is bit of large lumbering thing of a cat we think he’s quite cute. Not kitteny type of cute but a distinguished type of cute.
Friendliness – 4/10
We don’t think Errol is that friendly really. Alright he does greet you in passing but generally we think he does this in a “I could have killed you then” sort of way. Not much of one for tickling, probably. Well we’re not going to try until we get some decent gloves.
Dignity – 7/10
Errol Frank is diginity personified. He’s polite, he’s clean and he’s very well turned out. Even when he breaks into to steal another cat’s food he does it with an air of righteousness.
Intelligence – 6/10
If a cat knows how to knock on your door then he clearly isn’t as dim as brick. We know little else about Errol but 6 isn’t a bad score considering some of the idiot cats we’ve reviewed so far.
Remaining lives – 7/10
We imagine Errol Frank has lost a few lives but equally has probably taken a few as well.
Summary: 65%
Errol Frank is one of our favourite cats because he’s just proper. He’s not a kitten and could probably beat us all in a fight.
Apparently Bollo can fit through the smallest gap. We would hazard a guess that Bollo is not one of those microscopic cats made by the Japanese. In fact we’re not entirely sure the Japanese make microscopic cats, why would they? You’d lose them all the time, or tread on them which would be horrific. Like furry ants. Anyway, such claims are pure hyperbole.
Health & Vitality – 4/10
Bollo likes to purge. She eats birds until they make her throw up. A more enlightened website would probably recognise this as a tricky psychological disorder that should be treated sensitively. We’re not that web site. Pull yourself together Bollo you’re no Princess Diana (though we do think your hair is lovely).
Home invasion – 6/10
Bollo goes out and then Bollo comes home. Nobody knows where she’s been in between. We like to think she is leading a double life in somebody else’s house. It would be great if someone else submitted her as their own cat. We doubt that will happen.
Meow – 7/10
If reports of her meow are true then there should be very few people in Birmingham that haven’t heard her. Even if such reports are exaggerated we’ll give her a decent score for being one of the few cats we’ve come across recently that makes the effort.
Fighting Ability – 9/10
Whilst we recognise that she kills in order to maintain her perilous psychological condition, at the end of the day she is still a hunter of note. Moths, mice, birds and frogs all seem to be on the list. Other than eating other cats we don’t think there is much more she can do. Bollo’s owners keep a bird recognition chart just so they can identify what she’s killed. Very good indeed.
Overall cuteness – 4/10
We don’t think Bollo looks that cute. Too thin. Sorry, we just say it the way we see it.
Friendliness – 8/10
Although she is a bit shy she does like being tickled. Any cat that likes being tickled is a good cat. There is nothing wrong with being shy most people are evil so it’s probably a good attitude to have.
Dignity – 4/10
Bollo frequently needs someone to put her ear back in place after it gets bent back. This is cat equivalent of looking like some sort of bumpkin. We imagine she would be happy chewing a long bit of straw. She is known to have iron filings stuck to her collar. There is little dignity in ferrous metals. Not in the twenty first century there isn’t.
Intelligence – 4/10
We’ve seen little evidence of Bollo’s intelligence. Now we’re always pleased to help in a cat’s personal development so we set this challenge. If Bollo can learn to pick individual birds from her identification chart and kill them to order then we’ll up the score. She’ll be like some sort of cat assassin.
Remaining lives – 5/10
Again a lack of evidence means we won’t commit ourselves one way or the other. Five points should be more than enough to be going on with.
Summary: 57%
We can’t help feeling that we’ve been a bit harsh with Bollo. Though this is a serious business and we can’t just throw points at cats without due consideration. We’ve given some tips for where improvement could be made and we hope that she takes this in the spirit it is meant.
We understand Naboo once fell out of a window (or off a window ledge if you want to be picky). This is not a good quality in a cat. The very minimum we expect from cats is stability, anything less than this deserves the same level of contempt you would give a clumsy child.
Health & Vitality – 8/10
We think Naboo looks very healthy. Lovely shiny eyes and a quizzical tail. A well presented cat is one that you can respect and share a confidence with.
Home invasion – 10/10
Now we know that Naboo doesn’t really like to leave the confines of his house and garden and normally we would take an extremely dim view of this sort of behaviour. What we also know is that when Naboo absolutely needs to “go” he likes to do it in Carl Chinn’s garden. Now who amongst us can honestly say that given the opportunity they wouldn’t do the same? We can only imagine his fake brummie surprise everytime Naboo leaves him a little present. Well done Naboo you’ve given a little bit back for all of us.
Meow – 4/10
Naboo doesn’t have a proper meow. The contention that he can “squeak like an excited teddy bear” has been discounted by the panel on the grounds of sheer nonsense. If you wish to make a case for a cat’s vocal ability then we suggest that comparing it to one of pure fantasy is not the best starting point.
Fighting Ability – 2/10
As previously stated Naboo doesn’t get out much so opportunities for scrapping are going to be somewhat limited. He certainly hasn’t benefited from reports that he tries to beat up his sister. We also understand he is scared to death of Felix that lives nextdoor, we don’t know much (anything) about Felix but we like the sound of him.
Overall cuteness – 9/10
Naboo is as cute as a button. A really hairy button. The sight of him gambolling in the snow melted our stone cold hearts.
Friendliness – 8/10
 Naboo’s owner claims that he is too friendly. Too friendly? We don’t understand that concept. Naboo will follow you round all day and all he asks is a little conversation. Now we don’t know but we think Naboo is very polite as well.
Dignity – 4/10
Sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile healthy curiosity with dignity. The thirst for knowledge is laudable but sometimes it results in a less than dignified air. We thoroughly enjoyed Naboo’s snowy antics but we feel he should pay the price in this section.
Intelligence – 7/10
Naboo has a keen interest in plumbing. This is good. It’s an honest trade that will stand him in good stead in the future. Â
Remaining lives – 5/10
Such a closeted cat has never seen life’s seedier side and is unlikely to know the dangers that lie in wait further a field than Carl Chinn’s garden.
Summary: 61%
Naboo has certainly done well though of course this is largely down to his selfless taunting of Birmingham’s one and only novelty history pixie.
About
Doesn't it piss you off when you are sitting in a pub telling people about a cracking cat you met that there isn't an objective standard to gauge how good it is against another cat? People can rate hurricanes but not cats. That's ridiculous, I see loads more cats than hurricanes. I intend to redress this imbalance by making a universal standard of cats.
Name: Errol Frank (Identity confirmed)
Name: Bollo (Identity confirmed)
Name: Naboo (Identity confirmed)