Meowseley

Name: Mrs Miggins (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility -8/10
   • Mrs Miggins can scale a six foot fence only requiring purchase at an approximate height of four feet. That means that in one bound she can jump over an 11 year old. That’s pretty good.
2. Health & Vitality – 5/10
   • She’s fat because she eats dog food. That probably means that her sense of smell isn’t working very well either.
3. Home invasion – 7/10
   • She gets her dog food from the dog next door. It’s a bit of a karmic experience this isn’t it? What loses you points in one section gets them back somewhere else.
4. Meow – 5/10
   • Apparently Mrs Miggins “yowls”. Making words up is no substitute for a cat having a proper meow.
5. Fighting Ability – 4/10
   • In a break with tradition Mrs Miggins is going to be severely penalised for trying to kill a bat. We like bats and we don’t think cats should be killing them and that isn’t just because they sound a bit similar. It does raise the fascinating question of what the inside of a cats mouth would sound like to a bat. A question that we will only ever be able to ponder. Hmmm.
6. Overall cuteness – 9/10
   • If this was just a mark for being fluffy then she would do well. As we consider the overall context of a given cats cuteness she has done very well.
7. Friendliness – 8/10
   • There is no doubting Mrs Miggins friendliness and she isn’t too picky.
8. Dignity – 3/10
   • Any cat that can lick bacon fat out of the dishwasher is likely to turn your stomache. If a cat were to do that you certainly wouldn’t think they were dignified.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • Now we are not going to be pedantic about this but Mrs Miggins has a reputation for finding food in seemingly impossible places. We doubt this means she is that clever. It certainly means that someone has rather low expectations of impossible.
10. Remaining lives – 5/10
    • Not really much to go on here. She gets half marks for not being a kitten anymore.

Summary: 60%

A top end score for Mrs Miggins. She would no doubt have scored better if she had not created the obvious ethical dilema. If God doesn’t like the gays getting married then surely the very concept of cats getting married is pure abomination. Something to think about.

Name: Whisper (Identity confirmed)

This is a bit of new one really (not the cat but the referral methodology). Whisper has been referred by someone who knows him rather than his owner. Based on this we are going to assume that there isn’t the same level of bias that we have come to expect.

1. Agility – 8/10
   • Whisper can effortlessly leap 6 feet up in the air to the top of a fence (albeit with the help of a box). You see how cold hard facts with proper measurement results in decent points?
2. Health & Vitality – 5/10
   • We’ve been told that Whisper is considered healthy because of some sort of twinkle in his eyes. We have asked the internet and are pretty sure that twinkle is in fact not a medical term. Regardless of twinkle claims we think Whisper has cold dead eyes. Neutral points.
3. Home invasion – 9/10
   • We are getting some pretty high scores on home invasion with the last few cats. Whisper is no less of a winner. It is sign of a great cat if it tries to move in with you. We understand that Whisper regards Clarence Road as his own personal playground and have awarded points accordingly.
4. Meow – 1/10
   • There is no verifiable record of Whisper meowing. In a somewhat desperate plea the referrer makes some fanciful claim that he just doesn’t want to. We don’t deal in supposition. We deal in evidence.
5. Fighting Ability – 5/10
   • Whisper has one verifiable kill to his name. It was a bird which is obviously pretty tricky as they spend most of their time in the air. Unlike mice which are generally closer to the ground. We don’t know what whisper would be like at thumping other cats but we do think he looks a bit tasty.
6. Overall cuteness – 4/10
   • We’d be lying to you if we said Whisper was cute. It would be a pointless lie as you’d just look at the picture and expose us in front of everyone. If there were points for looking a bit scary then Whisper would have got them. There aren’t.
7. Friendliness – 10/10
   • We’re taking this on trust. Apparently Whisper is very friendly. It might be some sort of compensation thing because he looks a bit mean. We would certainly like some external validation on this one.
8. Dignity – 6/10
   • A tricky one this. He looks quite dignified. He certainly seems to be tolerating a bit of a tickle in the picture.
9. Intelligence – 5/10
   • Not a brilliant intelligence score and largely just supporting the previous home invasion score. We just don’t know how clever this cat is and we’re not about to throw points at a picture.
10. Remaining lives – 6/10
    • Whisper is an out and about sort of cat. Who knows what sights he’s seen and what tales he could tell us? Probably nobody as he apparently doesn’t make a sound. We’ve given him the benfefit of the doubt with this one.

Summary: 57%

We’re quite surprised by Whispers score. It’s certainly evidence that we don’t just throw points at the pretty cats.

Name: Graham (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 5/10
   • Graham has a particular interest in chasing bits of paper. This isn’t tricky. Bits of paper don’t move under their own steam and are relatively easy to chase down.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • Graham certainly looks very healthy. We have been told that she likes hiding in plastic bags which could be the result of a deathwish or some sort of saucy autoerotic asphyxiation. We’re not sure if going for the latter is giving her the benefit of the doubt or not.
3. Home invasion – 10/10
   • Graham is the master of home invasion. She is known in Chantry Road for pissing on a Doctors cabbages. We assume this was probably a statement against the absurd class system that means some people have massive houses whilst others are condemned to live in…… er smaller houses. We’re sure that’s what she meant. 
4. Meow – 3/10
   • We can’t ever remember her meowing. We could be wrong.
5. Fighting Ability – 6/10
   • As Graham lives with Simon we think she probably isn’t very good at fighting other cats. Previously she has deposited a dead rat on her owners pillow and that gives her a better than middling score.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • Graham is a very cute cat. Even if she is grey.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • To be honest we’ve always found her a bit standoffish. We don’t know if she is dwarfed by Simon’s magnificence or just rude.
8. Dignity – 4/10
   • Graham is a thirsty cat. She likes to lick plant pots. Now we know you think this is probably because she isn’t given enough water but it isn’t. It’s a lack of dignity and she is marked down for it.  
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • She understands the concept of precipitation and seems to have a Ray Mears like ability to find water. Come the apocalypse we would like to have Graham about.
10. Remaining lives – 6/10
    • Graham lives with a dog. It’s a fairly stupid dog at that, we reckon she’s had a few brushes with trouble. Probably a slightly generous score but it’s not like the points cost anything.

Summary: 59%

We like Graham she’s a fine cat. We think she deserves a few more points and we will look into her vocal abilities and report back.

Name : Billy (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 4/10
   • There is one thing about Billy that is going to come up time and time again in his assessment. He has one leg shorter than the others. Cats aren’t like tables, you can’t fold up a beer mat and make them stable. They move too much. We’ve been told that Billy is very agile even with his disability. We don’t believe it.
2. Health & Vitality – 6/10
   • It’s difficult to assess the Health and Vitality of Billy having not actually ever met him. In the picture he looks a bit tired. The little fellah can hardly keep his eyes open. We’ll give him the benfit of the doubt and assume he’s just had a bit of a run.
3. Home invasion – -/10
   • This isn’t a zero score. For all we know he’s never left the house. We need more information. If people know something about Billy and his wandering nature then we implore them to come forward. There’s nothing to be scared of. This isn’t Crimewatch. He will be reassessed.
4. Meow – 5/10
   • Okay, you’re probably thinking how did we manage to give a score for this section but not the previous one purely based on a picture? Good point, he looks like a cat that’s got a fairly decent meow. He gets 5 points. This system is nothing if not arbitary.
5. Fighting Ability – 7/10
   • There has been a ridiculous amount of controvesy over the last week about the flawed nature of the scoring so as of today this section is being ammended. Fighting ability now includes the ability to fight other animals as well as cats. This means predation now becomes a factor. Billy’s owner maintains that he has killed countless small animals. Now we don’t know about you but we can count to a fairly high number. Easily over a thousand. So countless would imply that Billy and his owner are living in a morass of decaying mouse corpses. We don’t believe this to be true. We certainly hope this isn’t true as just thinking about it is fairly disgusting.
6. Overall cuteness – 4/10
   • We’re sorry Billy. You’re not cute. You look a bit like a murderer. A cat murderer. A cat that murders, people or even other cats.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • A difficult one to gauge really. Have half the points, you’re probably quite friendly. Unless of course you do actually murder people. If that is the case then you will be marked down. Be warned.
8. Dignity – 2/10
   • Look at that collar. There is no dignity in a cat with bling. In some ways I hope he never leaves the house as he is surely going to have the living piss ripped out of him by other cats.
9. Intelligence – -/10
   • Sorry no score for this. There are just some things you can’t tell from a picture. Maybe we should have some sums that we can get cats to do as a remote test.
10. Remaining lives – 10/10
    • This is as good as it gets. Billy has been doubly unfortunate. Abandoned by his owner (not the current one) and then the victim of a hit and run. He even survived surgery that left him lopsided.

Provisional Summary: 43%

It looks like the lowest score yet but it isn’t. Billy needs two more scores before we can give him an official score. Check here for updates.