Meowseley

Name: Yoda (Identity confirmed)

Before we get started it might be useful to address some of the issues that have been raised about cat names. Some people have commented on the growing trend to give cats person names rather than what could be considered a conventional feline labelling.

We would like to make it clear that although we think of cats as tiny furry people we do not penalise a contender for having a silly name. We recognise that the name a cat is saddled with is the responsibility of the owner and should not reflect badly on the unfortunate creature that ends up named after a cartoon or a cloud. Though we can’t think of any examples of where this has happened.

This statement of policy should not be seen as any sort of criticism of Yoda’s name. We do think it’s a bit of  silly name, especially as she is a girl (cat).

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Yoda can climb through windows. This is basic cat behaviour and isn’t really going to get her a large score. But hang on a minute these windows she can climb through are bedroom windows. Isn’t it conventional to have your bedroom upstairs? That means she must be doing something fairly agile to make her window climbing decision useful. This score stands whilst further investigations take place as to where exactly this “bedroom” is.
2. Health & Vitality – 6/10
   • She looks healthy. She certainly doesn’t look like she’s 7 years old so she must be doing something right. She did get eaten by a dog once. The term eaten might be a slight embellishment but it’s going to take its toll mentally.
3. Home invasion – 8/10
   • Ahh the old two dinner trick. Yoda visits her neighbours where she will regularly receive an extra dinner. Invading a house is one thing but filling your pockets whilst you’re in there is a gift.
4. Meow – 8/10
   • Not just one meow but a wide variety of context sensitive meows. She can, apparently, communicate her every thought through a highly evolved system of language. We are sceptical about this as previous attempts to communicate with cats have largely been doomed due to their tiny brains. We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being.
5. Fighting Ability – 1/10
   • Simply not good enough. There is no credible evidence of Yoda fighting and an underlying implication that she simply legs it at the first sign of trouble.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • We think she’s cute. Very cute actually. She’s getting on a bit but still has the air of a kitten. Anyway, there’s a picture up there so judge for yourself.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • Some would say she’s a bit of cold fish. That would be an extremely odd description for a cat as ironically they really like eating cold fish. Yoda is not going to be leaping all over strangers but will show a level of affection once she gets to know you. This is probably quite rational behaviour if you’re quite small but we like cats that are just shameless.
8. Dignity – 2/10
   • She licks her arse on the dining room table. We imagine this isn’t during dinner. You wouldn’t really stand for that would you?
9. Intelligence – 7/10
   • Now this category has produced a horrible contradiction. Yoda’s owners think she isn’t very clever yet claim she has her own distinct language. We think being able to talk makes her fairly clever. Certainly cleverer than any of our previous contenders.
10. Remaining lives – 10/10
    • This is the most startling cat revelation we have ever come across. You might want to sit down for this bit. Yoda’s brother was taken away by an eagle. We’ll let you think about that for a bit.

    An eagle……… or possibly another sort of large bird. We think an eagle sounds better so it’s the story we are going with. This is an outstanding brush with death. Though to be fair to Yoda, she wasn’t there at the time and probably doesn’t know anything about it. We are giving a big bucket load of vicarious points for the mental image it created.

Summary: 61%

Yoda appears to be a bit of mixed bag . Some devastatingly good scores (you did see the bit about the eagle didn’t you?) and yet rubbish at fighting. It all contributes to the rich tapestry that is grading cats by arbitrary criteria.

There’s another one gone. Unfortunately we don’t know much about this one. We don’t know its name and we can’t narrow down its last known location, beyond B13.

It looks like quite a nice cat but seems to have been missing since the 29th August.

I think we can all agree that is a very long time.

This seems to be a bit of a trend at the moment, the missing cat thing rather than us not knowing cats’ names. It is important to follow these trends in case there is some sort of cat thief about.

It wouldn’t do if someone was putting them into servitude. Probably a pretty unproductive servitude but one that should be stamped on none the less.

As per normal if you see her or even hear a rumour email us at the usual address (emergency@meowseley.co.uk)

Thanks to @bounder for alerting to us to this most perilous of situations.

Name(s):  Frankie & Scottty (Identity confirmed)

Both Frankie and Scotty were submitted as a pair. This has caused us some problems, mainly becuase we’re not sure our scoring system can cope with it.

We had a discussion with some of the worlds greatest cat experts and decided that if it’s good enough for wrestling then it’s good enough for us. So, may we present Frankie and Scotty?

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Both cats can easily jump over 6 feet. A few months ago we would have been impressed by this but it is quickly becoming apparent that if you’re a cat and you can’t jump over 6 feet then there is something wrong with you. What they can do is leap over plants like tiny show jumpers. This is a fantastic image and we can only assume that their owner straps Action Men to their backs as a matter of course.
2. Health & Vitality – 8/10
   • These cats live on a diet of fresh fish and chicken. Even we don’t live on a diet of fresh fish and chicken. Though we also don’t have a head shaped like a protractor,but it isn’t a competition (it is really). A good diet means a shiny coat and at the very least the appearance of health and vitality.
3. Home invasion – 6/10
   • Frankie and Scotty are known to visit their neighbour upstairs and they do jump over fences. Not the most thrilling story of adventure but solid evidence.
4. Meow – 10/10
   • They scream like banshees. It’s pretty well as good as it gets. We are extremely greatful that they don’t live anywhere near us.
5. Fighting Ability – 3/10
   • As far as we know they are “brilliant at catching flies”.  If, like Ralph Maccio, in the Karate Kid, they could catch them with chopsticks we’d be impressed. Their lack of thumbs makes this very unlikely. In the grand scheme of things flies are very low down. We’re not particularly impressed.
6. Overall cuteness – 4/10
   • Both of them were always going to be slightly doomed on this one. Though to be fair to both of them when we first saw their picture they got an instant 1. They’ve slightly grown on us. Unfortunately the whole alien look went out around 1995 when the X Files became crap. 
7. Friendliness – 4/10
   • Neither of them seem to be too keen on strangers. They wouldn’t let a stranger pick them up. Neither would we, that would be weird. Like other recent contenders they get very attached to their owner. Of course this is because they’ve bonded on a personal level rather than the fresh fish and chicken.
8. Dignity – 9/10
   • It is unlikely you will ever see cats that similarly ooze dignity. When we first saw them we were tempted to doff our collective caps. 
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • There is little to indicate that either of them are particularly clever cats. They play with rubber bands. 
10. Remaining lives – 5/10
    • Frankie got hit by a car and once broke her leg. Normally this would be grounds for a massive score but this is where the penalty comes in. If you submit two cats you’ve really got two chances at longevity. It’s a numbers game. 

Summary: 60%

Considering that there are two of them you’d have expected a high 60′s score. Well, maybe we’ve been a bit harsh, but they are a bit funny looking.

It came as a shock to all of us but Errol isn’t quite who he has been pretending to be.

It has been brought to our attention that Errol is actually called Frank.

We don’t think this will really affect his score very much as Frank is a good solid name. We do think Frank’s owners might want to reconsider his name. Errol seems to reflect his personality somewhat better. Obviously that is their call.

Name: Name: Jeff (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • Jeff is a bit of a feisty lady. We know what you’re thinking, lady? Yes, apparently she is named after Jeff Bridges, we cannot conceive of any reason why you would want to name a cat after Jeff Bridges. But we digress, apparently if locked up Jeff likes to leg it up the curtains and generally trash the place. You’d need a fair bit of a agility to climb up curtains.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • She looks fairly healthy. She’s got a shiny coat and nice eyes. The main thing that stands out is her absolutely massive head. If they made hats for cats then you wouldn’t be able to get one for Jeff because her head is too large. We think a big head is a sign of being healthy. Though we’re not sure why.
3. Home invasion – 5/10
   • Jeff likes to get out and about and has been described as “a bit feral”. We know she doesn’t like being kept in her own house but does that mean she goes to see other people? Based on little or no information we think she doesn’t. We think she spends most of her time outside sitting under a bush eating grass.
4. Meow – 3/10
   • There is an element of guessing in this score but we don’t think Jeff has a very good meow. We’re willing to be corrected on this.
5. Fighting Ability – 7/10
   • Jeff is like an untamed beast that has been very much tamed. She has a touch of the wild but is stil at home in polite company. We do not have a comprehensive list of the small animals she eats.
6. Overall cuteness – 8/10
   • Leaving her massive noggin aside she’s a nice cute cat.
7. Friendliness – 3/10
   • Jeff will only be stroked on her terms. It’s not friendly but at least she lets people touch her every now and then. She’s not the sort of cat that’s going to wave her legs in the air begging for attention. She does like to follow her human friends round like a lamb. We don’t really know whether this is a good thing or not as we’re not completely sure if lambs would follow you round in a friendly way.
8. Dignity – 6/10
   • She’s not the sort of cat that’s going to wave her legs in the air begging for attention.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • Jeff learnt quite quickly that she gets her own way through wanton destruction. This is good. She can clearly hatch a plan.
10. Remaining lives – 7/10
    • Jeff’s start in life was a true tale of woe. She was found abandoned with her siblings next to her dead mother. This is usually the way that serial killers start and it is a testament to her balanced nature that she’s turned out alright. Well she made it through the first bit so let’s hope she sticks around for a bit longer.

Summary: 60%

Sorry but we’ve to say it again, look at the size of her head. That’s not right is it? Anyway 60%, a good score.