Meowseley

Name: Jess (Identity not confirmed)

This is more like it. Proper out in the field cat investigating. It’s easy enough to sit in your lounge and tell us how much you like your cat but it takes a special breed of person to go out and find us new cats in their natural habitat.

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Jess can walk the rim of a skip. We know this sounds like some sort of tawdry practice but it isn’t. She can, literally, walk round the edge of a skip without falling in. Even after a very busy year of recording cats their sheer ability mildly impresses.
2. Health & Vitality – 6/10
   • We understand that Jess is very much an outside cat. We’re not completely sure she is even owned by a person. Usually this would mean a cat would at least look a little sickly. We’re happy to report her coat is shiny and she has happy eyes.
3. Home invasion – 8/10
   • Fantastic. Jess once went to a party. She didn’t know anyone there but happily rolled up, had a bit of stroke off random strangers and then tried to move in. Exactly the sort of behaviour that gets you shunned in human society gets you points on here. That’s mainly because we’re not cats.
4. Meow – 4/10
   • Although we acknowledge that Jess will stop and “talk” to passing people we have insufficient evidence to make a judgement on the quality of her conversation. We will have to be cautious until we have better information.
5. Fighting Ability – 5/10
   • Again nobody has seen Jess fight nor has she been seen to decapitate a mouse. We do know she lives in quite a rough neighbourhood in cat terms. She’s never displayed visible injuries so we will work on the assumption that she can hold her own.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • She’s cute. In a knowing way. We know that some cats can come across quite conceited but we think she just about gets away with it.
7. Friendliness – 9/10
   • Jess is true friend to people who pass her by. It is said that if you say hello to her then she will even acknowledge you. This is rare behaviour and certainly worth some extra points.
8. Dignity – 4/10
   • Now we can understand why cats get attracted to rubbish. It probably tastes really nice but it is simply incompatible with maintaining dignity. You can have points for demonstrating the dexterity to get to rubbish but are penalised for thinking it was a good idea in the first place.
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • She can eat cat food straight from the tin. This raises a number of questions; how did she open it? Is it stupid because she might get her head stuck? Being known as the cat with a tin on your head would be both impractical and embarrassing. You have to think of the bigger picture.
10. Remaining lives – 5/10
    • We just don’t know her history. We don’t know where she’s been nor what she’s seen. For all we know she could have spent her life on a massive cushion. Equally she could suffered the depravities of a life on the streets. That’s the crime of it, we just don’t know.

Summary: 59%

It’s always tricky with a spotted cat (a cat that has been spotted rather than one that is spotty). They always leave us with more questions than answers. We think Jess did quite well considering what we don’t know. We’re more than happy to come back to Jess as we learn more about her.

Name: Gerrard (Identity confirmed)

We, of course, know Gerrard very well. We remember him running away. We remember him coming home again.

We’re very pleased to have the opportunity to welcome Gerrard into the Meowseley family. Not that we’re related to cats. Nor are many of the cats related to each other. It’s a figurative family.

1. Agility – 4/10
   • Gerrard, apparently suffers from vertigo.  He gets the fear when he climbs on a table. He’s a cat. This is a very poor display indeed. On the other hand he can fight in the style of Dogtanian whilst balanced on a wall as thick as your hand. We don’t know what to believe. We love the idea of a cat pretending to be a cartoon dog in pre-revolutionary France. In fact we love the idea of cats standing on two legs and pretending to be people. Overall the vertigo story sounds entirely more credible so a paltry score is awarded.
2. Health & Vitality – 3/10
   • We respect you too much to make any outlandish claims about Gerrard’s health and vitality. Look at him, he’s clearly been engaging with healthcare services. On the plus side we’re reassured that anything that is wrong with him is purely down to fighting. Over the years he’s had abscesses and a torn retina. We do agree that he seems to have a very shiny coat so we gave him a bit for that.
3. Home invasion – 9/10
   • Gerrard’s previous home invasion antics have been plastered all over the local (cat related) press. Having heard more detail of other occasions where he’s been “visiting” we’re beginning to wonder if he has finally crossed the line between natural curiosity and running away from home. Our most favourite of stories is where he hid in a plumbers van for 100 yards. We assume that in cat society this would be considered equivalent to  joining the circus. We also understand that he often visits another house over the road. Whilst we like to see cats getting about we are very concerned about which road this might be. We know the area and we know the dangers that lie in store for cats that haven’t been adequately trained (that’s all of them).
4. Meow – 6/10
   • Gerrard’s owner believes he has a bog standard meow. There isn’t any such thing as bog standard meow. Every communication should be valued.
5. Fighting Ability – 9/10
   • We were so tempted to go for full marks but we realised, at the last minute, that Gerrard doesn’t seem to have a great record at winning fights. We are intrigued to hear more about Rufus that recently beat him up. In our head Gerrard and Rufus are recreating seminal scenes from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome complete with a Tina Turner backing track. On the other hand Gerrard did systematically destroy a nest of baby mice before finishing off the parents. Classy.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • It’s just stupidly subjective. What does cute even mean?  We’re not having doubts about the concept. Gerrard is cute and gets  a good score for it.
7. Friendliness – 6/10
   • If going round other people’s houses is any sign of friendliness then Gerrard is about the friendliest cat alive, today.
8. Dignity – 2/10
   • Cats dressed as satellite dishes  don’t have any dignity left .
9. Intelligence – 10/10
   • This might be a first. Full marks for intelligence. Deciding whether or not this is a first would require some time consuming trawling through other scores which quite frankly we can’t be bothered to do. Now, it is claimed, that Gerrard can tell the difference between a diesel and petrol engine.  This seems quite fanciful, and we do lack some detail. We’re not sure whether this means he can read the words on the back of a car or has some aural power that is beyond imagination. We’ve never been faced with the proposition that we’d come across a contender who’s deductive powers outstripped our own.
10. Remaining lives – 7/10
    • He likes a scrap. He seems to like losing a scrap. He spent Christmas round someone else’s house.

Summary: 63%

It’s been a story of highs and lows. The giddy heights of abnormal intelligence balanced by a frankly rubbish ability to stand on a table.  On the plus side Gerrard is alive and that puts our petty sniping into some much needed context.

Name: Yoda (Identity confirmed)

Before we get started it might be useful to address some of the issues that have been raised about cat names. Some people have commented on the growing trend to give cats person names rather than what could be considered a conventional feline labelling.

We would like to make it clear that although we think of cats as tiny furry people we do not penalise a contender for having a silly name. We recognise that the name a cat is saddled with is the responsibility of the owner and should not reflect badly on the unfortunate creature that ends up named after a cartoon or a cloud. Though we can’t think of any examples of where this has happened.

This statement of policy should not be seen as any sort of criticism of Yoda’s name. We do think it’s a bit of  silly name, especially as she is a girl (cat).

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Yoda can climb through windows. This is basic cat behaviour and isn’t really going to get her a large score. But hang on a minute these windows she can climb through are bedroom windows. Isn’t it conventional to have your bedroom upstairs? That means she must be doing something fairly agile to make her window climbing decision useful. This score stands whilst further investigations take place as to where exactly this “bedroom” is.
2. Health & Vitality – 6/10
   • She looks healthy. She certainly doesn’t look like she’s 7 years old so she must be doing something right. She did get eaten by a dog once. The term eaten might be a slight embellishment but it’s going to take its toll mentally.
3. Home invasion – 8/10
   • Ahh the old two dinner trick. Yoda visits her neighbours where she will regularly receive an extra dinner. Invading a house is one thing but filling your pockets whilst you’re in there is a gift.
4. Meow – 8/10
   • Not just one meow but a wide variety of context sensitive meows. She can, apparently, communicate her every thought through a highly evolved system of language. We are sceptical about this as previous attempts to communicate with cats have largely been doomed due to their tiny brains. We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being.
5. Fighting Ability – 1/10
   • Simply not good enough. There is no credible evidence of Yoda fighting and an underlying implication that she simply legs it at the first sign of trouble.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • We think she’s cute. Very cute actually. She’s getting on a bit but still has the air of a kitten. Anyway, there’s a picture up there so judge for yourself.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • Some would say she’s a bit of cold fish. That would be an extremely odd description for a cat as ironically they really like eating cold fish. Yoda is not going to be leaping all over strangers but will show a level of affection once she gets to know you. This is probably quite rational behaviour if you’re quite small but we like cats that are just shameless.
8. Dignity – 2/10
   • She licks her arse on the dining room table. We imagine this isn’t during dinner. You wouldn’t really stand for that would you?
9. Intelligence – 7/10
   • Now this category has produced a horrible contradiction. Yoda’s owners think she isn’t very clever yet claim she has her own distinct language. We think being able to talk makes her fairly clever. Certainly cleverer than any of our previous contenders.
10. Remaining lives – 10/10
    • This is the most startling cat revelation we have ever come across. You might want to sit down for this bit. Yoda’s brother was taken away by an eagle. We’ll let you think about that for a bit.

    An eagle……… or possibly another sort of large bird. We think an eagle sounds better so it’s the story we are going with. This is an outstanding brush with death. Though to be fair to Yoda, she wasn’t there at the time and probably doesn’t know anything about it. We are giving a big bucket load of vicarious points for the mental image it created.

Summary: 61%

Yoda appears to be a bit of mixed bag . Some devastatingly good scores (you did see the bit about the eagle didn’t you?) and yet rubbish at fighting. It all contributes to the rich tapestry that is grading cats by arbitrary criteria.

Name: Name: Jeff (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • Jeff is a bit of a feisty lady. We know what you’re thinking, lady? Yes, apparently she is named after Jeff Bridges, we cannot conceive of any reason why you would want to name a cat after Jeff Bridges. But we digress, apparently if locked up Jeff likes to leg it up the curtains and generally trash the place. You’d need a fair bit of a agility to climb up curtains.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • She looks fairly healthy. She’s got a shiny coat and nice eyes. The main thing that stands out is her absolutely massive head. If they made hats for cats then you wouldn’t be able to get one for Jeff because her head is too large. We think a big head is a sign of being healthy. Though we’re not sure why.
3. Home invasion – 5/10
   • Jeff likes to get out and about and has been described as “a bit feral”. We know she doesn’t like being kept in her own house but does that mean she goes to see other people? Based on little or no information we think she doesn’t. We think she spends most of her time outside sitting under a bush eating grass.
4. Meow – 3/10
   • There is an element of guessing in this score but we don’t think Jeff has a very good meow. We’re willing to be corrected on this.
5. Fighting Ability – 7/10
   • Jeff is like an untamed beast that has been very much tamed. She has a touch of the wild but is stil at home in polite company. We do not have a comprehensive list of the small animals she eats.
6. Overall cuteness – 8/10
   • Leaving her massive noggin aside she’s a nice cute cat.
7. Friendliness – 3/10
   • Jeff will only be stroked on her terms. It’s not friendly but at least she lets people touch her every now and then. She’s not the sort of cat that’s going to wave her legs in the air begging for attention. She does like to follow her human friends round like a lamb. We don’t really know whether this is a good thing or not as we’re not completely sure if lambs would follow you round in a friendly way.
8. Dignity – 6/10
   • She’s not the sort of cat that’s going to wave her legs in the air begging for attention.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • Jeff learnt quite quickly that she gets her own way through wanton destruction. This is good. She can clearly hatch a plan.
10. Remaining lives – 7/10
    • Jeff’s start in life was a true tale of woe. She was found abandoned with her siblings next to her dead mother. This is usually the way that serial killers start and it is a testament to her balanced nature that she’s turned out alright. Well she made it through the first bit so let’s hope she sticks around for a bit longer.

Summary: 60%

Sorry but we’ve to say it again, look at the size of her head. That’s not right is it? Anyway 60%, a good score.

Name: Name: Grey (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 4/10
   • Grey’s athletic endeavours appear to extend to “a little light climbing” but only before lunch. This is not satisfactory. Kittens should have boundless energy and should spend their days getting into all manner of scrapes. Kitten scrapes should always include, though not exclusively, an element of climbing.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • Grey is only young but so far hasn’t demonstrated any adverse reactions to being alive. A healthy little cat gets a healthy little score.
3. Home invasion – 1/10
   • Grey has never left the house yet. Pathetic. You can’t invade somebody elses house if you can’t even get out of your own. We’re seriously thinking of taking this point back as it really isn’t good enough.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • Grey’s meow has been described as a “poor squeaky kitten meow”. We think this is unfair. It takes a bit of time for a cat to find it’s voice and making such an effort at a young age certainly bodes well for the future. He clearly has something to say and we want to hear it.
5. Fighting Ability – 2/10
   • Kittens are shit at fighting. What may appear to us as playful rolling around is in fact just playful rolling around. Grey is never going to have the respect of his peers (or us) until he’s killed something. Or at the very least maimed it. Harsh but fair.
6. Overall cuteness – 8/10
   • Grey is undeniably cute. We’d go as far as to say Grey is very very cute but as we’ve said before all kittens are cute. That’s their job. So once we’ve adjusted his score to exclude the kitten factor he gets a not unreasonable eight points.
7. Friendliness – 6/10
   • Grey is apparently friendlier than his mate Brown. We don’t have an objective bench mark of how firendly Brown is, so calculating a score has been somewhat tricky. It’s a bit like one of those puzzles where X amount of parrots dig Y amount of holes so what value is Z? We’re not very good at those so we just pulled a figure out of the air.
8. Dignity – 3/10
   • We’ve never met a kitten yet with any sort of dignity. It’s not within their gift. The gravitas of dignity is only gained through much sleeping and hopefully a little bit of fighting.
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • Grey chases his own tail and tries to catch light. This is the sort of thing that moths do (apart from the tail chasing thing). Moths aren’t very clever.
10. Remaining lives – 2/10
    • In many ways it is cause for celebration that Grey hasn’t done too well in this section. We would be a little worried if at this tender age he had dangled with death.

Summary: 44%

As a rule we see scores awarded to kittens as more of a personal development plan than a judgement. We think Grey should prove to be quite a good cat once he gets out and about a bit. Until then there is certainly room for improvement.